Style Points

NEW YORK, NY – New York Yankees’ Team Captain and surefire Hall-of-Famer Derek Jeter isn’t prepared to rest on his laurels. Not after ten All-Star seasons, three Silver Slugger Awards, a World Series MVP, a Rookie of the Year award and three Gold Gloves. Not even after four World Series Titles, the adulation of millions, and a permanent place in baseball lore. Jeter wants more. There is still an achievement that remains elusive, a goal that stands unconquered: Jeter wants to be remembered for more than baseball. He wants his own disease.

“Everybody remembers Lou Gehrig,” Jeter said, eyes coolly gauging the interest in the room around him, as reporters clamored for his every word like squirrels after a wayward nut. “And to be honest, he wasn’t even that great of a baseball player. Durable as hell, sure, but not that great. People remember him because of the disease. If I could add that kind of recognition on top of what I’ve accomplished on the baseball field? Lights out, baby. Your grandkids will be taking Derek Jeter lunchboxes to future school. Bank on it.”

The comments seemed to surprise many of those in attendance who had long painted Jeter as someone focused entirely on the game of baseball and what he could achieve on the diamond, far above the fray of celebrity concern and image control. Could it really be that someone lauded as the ultimate professional, the consummate “Mr. Baseball,” could be so focused on his individual legacy as to actively want a disease to carry his name? According to Derek, this shouldn’t be news to anyone.

“Look, I’ve paid my dues. I’ve given it my all on the field year-in and year-out, and I wouldn’t change any of that today. But as you get older, you start to wonder more about your legacy and how the game which you gave so much to will remember your name after you’re gone. I’ve never tried to hide how competitive I can be, and this is no different. I want to be remembered as the most prominent Yankee of all, and if that has to include debilitating muscle failure on a grand scale, then so be it. I think I’ve earned that much.”

Jeter has not yet announced how he plans to achieve this final goal, or what measures he is prepared to take in reaching it. Sources say that lately the shortstop has been spending an increasing amount of time in Atlanta visiting the Center for Disease Control and in Washington, D.C. at federal research labs, attempting to pinpoint the precise disease that will best commemorate his tenacity, bat speed, and “all the hot chicks [he's] boned over the years.” According to internet speculation, Jeter has narrowed down his choices to rickets, spinal bifidia, and Huge Balls Syndrome – the last being a decided underdog on account of not being real. If there was any doubt over whether Jeter has entirely thought this plan through, it was erased by his response to one reporter pointing out that Lou Gehrig only had the disease of ALS named for him after he suffered terribly and died from it.

“Fuck that shit,” Jeter intoned, not missing a beat. “How am I going to enjoy my legacy if I’m all disfigured and dead? I’m a goddamn icon.  Besides, that’s what we have rookies for. Matter of fact, someone go tie up Phil Coke right now before he even hears about this. I stuck him with an unmarked needle back in Anaheim and that pussy acted like I ate his last Reese’s Cup. Also, bring me a Reese’s Cup.”

Only time will tell if Jeter’s legacy will reach the heights he intends, and if it does so on the shoulders of a historic baseball career or on the jaundiced wings of crippling disease. The New York Yankees, Major League Baseball, and the White House have all made public statements against Jeter commandeering a disease as his own, but this represents little more than good PR work and political posturing – noone in the Gotham City has the wherewithal to stop Jeter anyways, and few are foolish enough to try. The man has single-handedly carried the 2009 Yankees to the World Series, and I for one will no longer doubt him, and neither should you.

God Bless You Derek Jeter, and may we all one day possess the same amount of courage in dealing with your horrible disease as you did engineering it. Go Yankees!