Style Points

I’m going to put it right out on front street.  There’s a very good chance that this will be rambling and incoherent.  In fact, I’m guaranteeing it’s going to be a confusing mess.  Why?  Simple.  I saw something tonight that I was thoroughly convinced I’d never see.  Bigfoot?  No.  The Loch Ness Monster?  Sorry, but no again.  What I saw was far more unexplainable than any mythical creature I could possibly come face to face with.  So what exactly did I see?

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You may have noticed a few weeks ago that Ed Reed had two interceptions of Peyton Manning’s passes (he immediately gave back the ball on one, and the other was called back after a penalty) during their playoff game in Indianapolis. You may have also noticed a statistic during the game about how Ed Reed has an unholy amount of interceptions against one of the world’s greatest quarterbacks. What you may not know, however, is how exactly Reed became so great at reading Manning’s mind. Thankfully, Style Points has a source that filled us in on the surprisingly juicy details.

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After all the worry and chatter last week leading up to it, the Pro Bowl happened. And it was fun. And if you are a football fan, and if you didn’t watch it, I feel sorry for you. Actually, I don’t feel sorry for you. I just think you’re retarded.

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Tim Tebow held a press conference yesterday to respond to Joy Behar’s comments about him. Luckily, our own Chris Hanson’s Axe has a cousin in the Gainesville press, who was able to get him some inside insight into the baffling meeting. Here’s the transcript.

Good afternoon. I’d like to thank you guys for coming here, and I’d like to read a statement regarding Joy Behar and her comments towards me and my family. I just wanna say please don’t interrupt me, or stop my speech before it has fully developed.

(takes deep breath)

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We here at Style Points know that you won’t be able to find any summary or analysis of the NFL’s playoffs anywhere else, so we’re here to help you, dear reader. Here’s what happened over Conference Championship weekend, as explained by our vindictive, petty, and house-divided-upon-themselves experts.

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We here at Style Points know that you won’t be able to find any summary or analysis of the NFL’s playoffs anywhere else, so we’re here to help you, dear reader. Here’s what happened over the weekend, as explained by a hungover and still-mourning-his-Eagles’-season Chris Hanson’s Axe.

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Style Points is a blog about sports humor; the following is neither. This is a heartfelt, honest, and intensely analytic look at the new Domino’s pizza. Long story short, Chris Hanson’s Axe thinks the new pizza is not very good. Short story long, as follows:

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I swear to God I didn't add that text.

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Seattle - Seattle Seahawks chief executive Tod Leiweke was surprised and disheartened to hear the criticism that he had not adhered to the letter or the spirit of the NFL’s Rooney Rule during the hiring process for their head coaching position. Leiweke pointed to his four hour long interview with Vikings defensive coordinator Leslie Frazier as well as a job offer to current NBC football analyst, Tony Dungy to show that the Seahawks did take a look at minority candidates before deciding on Pete Carroll as their new head coach.
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By now you’ve probably heard about how Brad Childress’ son, Kyle, was arrested for DWI early last Friday morning. What you might not have heard, however, is how exactly it happened. Luckily, our own Chris Hanson’s Axe knows the Childress family’s neighbors, who were able to fill him in on what exactly went down that night.

Scene 1:

(10:00 pm. Another late night at his office; this time, it is not film the coach is studying, it is a small, unlabeled packet. He looks up from the packet questioningly at the smiling trainer seated across from him.)

Childress: Are you sure these will work?

Trainer: Absolutely.

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We here at Style Points know that you won’t be able to find any summary or analysis of the NFL’s playoffs anywhere else, so we’re here to help you, dear reader. Here’s what happened, as explained by a very tormented, paranoid, and Xanax- or maybe hug-needing Chris Hanson’s Axe.

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JOE COOL

Los Angeles — The NFL Playoffs are starting this weekend and with them is sure to come a barrage of poorly thought out clichéd phrases to denote a player’s seeming innate ability to perform in the clutch. Some will be labeled “cool under pressure” and a few will be said to have “ice water in their veins.” Although these phrases may seem like the crutches of an unimaginative broadcast booth, a recent scientific study may prove them to be oddly prophetic.

Scientists at UCLA announced yesterday that they had uncovered evidence linking performance in stressful situations and playoff games with a player’s core body temperature. In a study of hundreds of current and former professional athletes they found that the lower the body temperature the better the performance.
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You probably don’t remember our one-time guest, Corporate Magician Brian Jeff, but since resident Chiefs “expert” Saberhagendaaz is lazy, he decided to give Mr. Jeff the opportunity to analyze his beloved Chiefs’ recent hiring of Charlie Weis. Brian demanded that we give him a recurring column entitled “The Magic Korner,” and because none of us give half a shit about what runs here, we agreed. As a result, we are pleased to introduce “The Magic Korner with Corporate Magician Brian Jeff.” Enjoy?

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am thrilled to bring my unique blend of magic, mentalism, and comedy to this exalted sports blog. Wait, that’s not right, this is more of an excremental sports blog! But I digress. I’d like to jump-start this first issue of the Magic Korner with my thoughts on the Kansas City Chiefs’ recent hiring of offensive guru Charlie Weis! Well, he’s certainly offensive, at least! (more…)

Every so often, we here at Style Points are lucky enough to feature a guest editorial from a famous figure on a relevant topic. This week, Paul “Bear” Bryant addresses the controversial topic of abortion in the United States.

With Alabama being back on the national title scene, you’d think I couldn’t be happier, but the recent health care bill has got my blood boiling. I don’t really care either way about the issue of universal health care coverage, but what I do care about is the grandstanding and politicizing being done over abortion.
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Zorn moments after he was fired.

The firing of Jim Zorn on Monday came as a shock to no one with knowledge of the coach’s situation within the Redskins organization except, surprisingly, for Zorn himself. Despite his 4-12 record this year, and being relieved of play-calling responsibilities midway through the season, the coach expressed incredulity when asked about reports that he would soon be fired.
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