Style Points

There’s rumors that Brett Favre has purchased a home in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.  PFT posted a quick item about it and offered that they weren’t able to verify it.  Amateurs.  We here at Style Points have dabbled in backwater real estate scams since the mid-80’s.  We once convinced the Cherokee tribe to build an Indian casino on top of an Indian burial ground.  WE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE’RE DOING!  So, we found our monocle, lit the pipe, kicked Watson in the pants, and got busy chasing the Favre story.  Through advanced techniques (bribery and threats) we were able to get many details about the Land Baron’s new estate.

Notable features:

1.  King Sized Beds – I guess it’s safe to assume anything fit for a king would also suit a baron.  Lord Favre needs a large bed because you never know when you might have to have an important phone conversation on your bed, wearing jorts, surrounded by 30 of your closest friends and family.

2.  Industrial Sized Toilets - The man has a reputation to uphold.  You can’t expect your average household toilet to be able to accommodate a 30 pound shit.  The specs and blueprints of his house claim the toilet has it’s own cooling tower and treatment plant.  Impressive.

3.  Walk-in Closets – A standard feature in even the most quaint home, Favre’s has room for his Skoal can collection, a bench for his shotgun shell reloader, and most importantly, his life-sized Ted Thompson voodoo doll with working orifices.  In a related note, the smoke alarms disable with a push button so he can stuff a kerosene soaked rag in Voodoo Ted’s ass without waking up the kids.  Also, the closet can hold 300 pairs of Wrangler jeans and ratty Nike t-shirts with ease.

4.  Automated Appliances – Favre’s inability to decide if he wants even the simplest things in life has rendered him a confused mess.  This upscale feature forces Brett to have his waffles extra crispy, Breakfast Blend coffee whether he wants it or not, and the dishwasher cuts on every hour on the hour regardless if it’s been loaded.  Suck it, Al Gore. 

Deana insisted on having a stove that’s constantly heated to 350 so that she can conveniently stick her head in there anytime Brett can’t decide if he wants Pizza Hut or Papa John’s for dinner. 

5.  Closed Circuit Security Cameras – Sure, it’s a gated community but waking up with Peter King lodged in between you and  your wife is a situation that you avoid at all costs.  Especially if you don’t have 1000 count sheets and salon quality shampoo.  That makes Peter angry.  You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. 

Of course there’s many other features, too many to document them all here but feel free to speculate and we’ll give you a simple nod of the head or we’ll touch our nose and wink like we’re some sort of cheeky spy.  Deal?