The NFL lockout has afforded the league’s athletes with an unprecedented amount of free time.  Here at Style Points we will be highlighting interesting and innovative uses of this time by some of today’s biggest stars.  Today, we present you with a transcript – yes, we sent the ten dollars and self-addressed stamped envelope – of a new public access television show hosted by Pittsburgh Steeler running back Rashard Mendenhall.  His first guest?  Our old, dear friend…Ron Artest.

Rashard Mendenhall:  Welcome to Conspiracy Corner.  I’m your host, Rashard Mendenhall.  Tonight I’m thrilled to tell you that we have a real NBA star here to share his thoughts regarding some of the world’s biggest mysteries.  Ladies and gentlemen, RON ARTEST!

Ron Artest:  What’s good?

RM: Ron, pleasure to have you!  First question….were you followed here?

RA: I don’t think so.  I mean, I changed buses twice and then I covered myself in mud like Predator and shit.  I bought what I thought was an invisibility cloak from this homeless dude but that turned out to be a camouflage Snuggie.  So, I don’t know what his return policy is on that shit but I got my receipt and…

RM: Ron, that’s a property card from Monopoly.

RA: For real?

RM: Yeah, that’s Baltic Avenue.

RA: Man, what’s the world coming to?

RM: That’s exactly what we’re exploring here on Conspiracy Corner.  Let’s not beat around the bush.  I made my thoughts regarding the (air quotes) death of Osama Bin Laden public last week.  I’m personally skeptical.  I mean, maybe I’m crazy but I just don’t think the Navy would shoot the guy and then toss him overboard without letting the public see the body.  Your thoughts?

RA:  Yeah, that’s definitely fishy.  The thing that scares me is what if they REALLY threw him in the ocean?!  With all the toxic waste that washed into the sea after the earthquake in Japan, isn’t anyone scared that Osama will get like, all radiated and shit and come back as a 100ft. mutant octopus?

RM: Aww, shit. Like an Osamapus?  I never thought of that.  I bet that’s exactly what our government wants.  Now all the government contractors are going to start selling the military mutant octopus photon guns.

RA:  Phil Jackson told me that he heard we already cloned a whole team of mutant Clint Eastwoods with great white sharks.

RM: That’s awesome!  Wait, it’s not the Clint Eastwood from Bridges Over Madison County is it because he was a total pussy in that movie.

RA:  Naw, they made sure it’s the Clint from Gran Torino so it’s extra racist against brown people and shit.

RM: Dope.  Okay, so, the Twin Towers.  Was that an inside job?

RA:  That’s an easy one.  Go rent the game Rampage.

RM:  Huh?

RA:  I’m telling you a gorilla, a werewolf, and a giant godzilla beat them shits down with their bare hands.

RM:  Uh….why would they do that?

RA:  Godzilla was working for the Japanese Yakuza.  That gorilla was clearly avenging King Kong.

RM: What about the werewolf?

RA:  Unrequited love.

RM:  What the hell are you talking about?

RA:  I heard that werewolf was just trying to get the attention of a chick who is torn between her affection for him and a Dracula.

RM:  Ron….that’s from the movie Twilight.

RA:  If you say so.

RM:  Man, I thought my theories were out there.  Well, we’re running short of time.  Any last minute thoughts you want to throw out there?

RA:  Yeah, grape soda.

RM:  Grape soda?!

RA:  Can’t find that shit in a good neighborhood.  Conspiracy?  You tell me.

RM:  Why is it available in only bad neighborhoods?

RA:  It was introduced in the ghetto because the government knew that shit was highly addictive and black folks would kill each other over that shit.

RM:  I think you’re thinking of crack.

RA:  Naw, FANTA GODDAMNIT!

RM:  Okay, that’s all the time we have on Conspiracy Corner.  I’d like to thank my guest, Ron Artest, who’s insanity is reassuring to me.  I mean, at least I’m not that crazy.

RA:  New York City was built on top of a pet cemetery!

RM:  Jesus, I can’t wait for this lockout to be over…

(Attn:  For the mouth breathers out there, this is a fake interview.  Our shitty, has-been blog does not have access to professional athletes.  That is all.)

Kiffin explains the more delicate intricacies of recruiting violations

Former Al Davis whipping boy/blood jockey Lane Kiffin has already run afoul of the NCAA several times in his short time as head coach of the University of Tennessee, prompting many to wonder if the fair-haired lady-killer is in over his head. His various rules infractions so far have included unauthorized career advice, ill-advised follow-up calls, calling the kettle black, illegal use of a fog machine, practicing medicine without a license, and most recently, oversharing on Twitter (redundant).

As we make a living on being one step ahead of the game, Style Points now looks to the future and prognosticates the precocious coach’s next avenue of fuck-up.

1. Sexting

According to various news outlets, “sexting” is all the rage among today’s youth. When I was in high school, we drew naked doodles of our classmates on our biology notes, and we liked it. Seeing actual genitals took years of hard work, emotional charades, and strategically placed malt liquor. Nevertheless, if high school kids are doing it, you can believe college coaches know about it and are soon to follow. This will become even more likely if Kiffin hires Sean Salisbury as an assistant coach/cock pic coordinator.

2. Illegal Contact via Carrier Pigeon

As coaches exhaust their technological know-how with MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, and AOL Chat Rooms (The SEC typically being a decade behind the rest of America), the most forward-thinking will actually go backwards, and embrace the communication processes of the past. After a telegraph proves too difficult to use, Kiffin will attach his phone number to the leg of any wayward bird he finds, and release them in search of 6’3” linebackers with 4.5 speed. Tennessee will be forced to self-report after the bird instead makes a nest in Pat Summitt’s hair.

3. An Indecent Proposal

The first rule of recruiting is to utilize anything and everything you may have to your advantage, and Kiffin’s main advantage (in life) is his smoking hot wife. If Woody Harrelson can offer up one night with Demi Moore to Robert Redford for a million dollars, you better believe Lane is capable of doing the same with Layla and Joe Montana’s kid. The cover will be blown when he inexplicably commits to Tennessee and Lane never looks at him in the eye again. Rocky Top, indeed.

4. Billboard on Peyton Manning’s Forehead

Struggling to gain positive press, Kiffin will turn to two-time NFL MVP and former Vols Big Man on Campus Peyton Manning to help turn public perception around. The 10’ x 10’ advertisement will initially be effective, but UT will once again be forced to self-report as NCAA officials across the country observe the illegal ManningBoard on NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, PBS, The Discovery Channel, Cinemax 1 through 5, VH1 Classic and Telemundo. Eli will continue to serve as a UT commercial by demonstrating the perils of an Ole Miss education every time he opens his mouth.

So there you have it. Which of these four options will be Lane’s next misstep? Place your vote below.

Dear Mr. Bogwater,

Long time reader, first time writer.  I’ve been struggling at the plate lately.  My power has mysteriously disappeared.  Though last night I connected for my first home run of the year.  What I would like to know is do you think that’s a sign that I’m getting my stroke back or just dumb luck?

Thanks,

Brokedown in Beantown

Yeah, I’ve been following you closely since you play for my favorite team.  What’s that?  You’re surprised a redneck is a big Boston fan?  Can you guess the last team to integrate their roster?  That’s right, Boston.  That’s neither here nor there.  My pappy had a saying.  It’s ‘the sun shines on a dog’s ass every now and then.’  Son, you are a whistling tea kettle right now.  You’re done.  If you were a turkey in the oven, the meat themometer would say 170 degrees.

Seriously,  do you realize all the shit that’s happened between the time of tonight’s homer and your previous homer?  The economy has nearly evaporated, some gal had 8 kids, 14 people died from a sprained ankle, and we elected a darn colored fella president.  By the time you connect again we could have Foghorn Leghorn as Secretary of Defense.  So unless you’re planning on taking gorilla ‘roids your best bet is hanging up the spikes and opening a chain of Jamba Juice stores.  I hear that’s big with those hippie queers.

Dear Festus,

I was recently released from lock-up for a bunch of shit.  Let’s just say that a dog is not always a man’s best friend.  I want to know what you think I should do to get back into pro football.

Peace,

Let Loose from Leavenworth

Fella, I’m surprised you wrote me.  You should’ve known that you’d receive no quarter here.  Most old rednecks love their dogs more than their grandchildren.  But, no one’s ever mistaken you for sharp, have they boy?  You’re as dumb as a box of rocks and as useless as a bag of hammered shit.  Luckily you’ve stashed away all those millions you made in the NFL.  Actually, I’ve just been informed that you’re currently going through a bankruptcy.  So now you’re moral and financially bankrupt?  When I was in Da Nang those slope gals tried to teach me about karma and Buddha and all that but all I could think about was tannin’ their yella backsides without catching the Bull Head Clap.  I understand it so clearly now.  You are justifiably fucked.  And I couldn’t be happier.

Dear FTB,

Love the column.  I’ve been dying to know; how the hell does an old redneck know how to work a computer much less how to format HTML?

Regards,

Saberhagendaaz

First off, the fuck kind of name is that?  Second, my grandson is a pillow-biting fairy that knows his way around a keyboard almost as well as he knows his way around a man’s foreskin.  The Senior Center here in town encouraged me to find a common ground with him and this was his bright idea.  So, you can thank Thad, my limp-wristed, scarf wearing descendent for the column.  God bless his unnatural ways.  He can’t find reverse on my Kubota tractor but he can teach you how to hide them Vida Guerra pics from grandma.  So it’s not all bad.  Hope this answers your question, fruitcake.

See you fellas next week.

Best,

Festus T. Bogwater

Kevin Kolb would also be frustrated if…

• His Mom doesn’t make him cheese lasagna tonight like she promised
• Carmen Electra’s boobs are fake
• Hulk Hogan doesn’t sign his Hulkamania underwear
• he were kneed in the groin by Bob Saget
• DeSean Jackson forgets to return his slinky
• His name change request for ‘DeWalt Diggums’ is declined
• James Worthy doesn’t lend him a pair of goggles
• He can’t catch a Mewtwo in Pokemon Silver
• Game Informer gives BioShock 2 a bad review
• His pop tarts are stale
• Al Davis isn’t really a vampire-zombie hybrid
• Business_Socks won’t go to prom with him
• He can’t figure out how to sign up for Twitter
• He wasn’t supposed to use tampons to combat diarrhea
• Brian Westbrook won’t invite him to watch Terminator Salvation with the cool kids
• He shouldn’t have neutered himself like Bob Barker said
• We aren’t riding robot spider monsters by 2015
• Grey’s Anatomy is cancelled

10. Junkyard Dog  (Lakers) - He’s a perfect fit for LA because they are as soft as Jack Nicholson’s penis pavillion (stomach).  Yes, he’s dead but if you’re going to be a stickler about whether or not these old school wrestlers are alive then I’m not going to be able to write this fucking thing so shut up Mean Gene Okerlund.


9. Koko B. Ware (Nuggets) – I like him with the Nuggets for a lot of reasons.  The main one was it would be foolish to have a guy with a parrot and not put him on a team with “The Birdman.”

8. Randy “Macho Man” Savage (Lakers) – Where to start?  Tan that makes him look like an old leather saddlebag?  Check.  Classic frizzy hairstyle that makes it look like an orangutang is trying to passionately perform monkey sex in the back of your neck?  Check.  Corny wraparound shades that you wear indoors and out?  Of course.  Now, did I just describe the Macho Man or every jackass on Venice Beach?
 

7. Jake “The Snake” Roberts (Nuggets) - It’s well known that The Snake has been battling some demons (crack) and I’m figuring The Birdman could be his sponsor.  Also, we’d get to debate the Python vs. Black Mamba matchup.  Goddamn, I’m a genius.

6. The Undertaker (Lakers) – If you’re going to have one pasty ass weirdo with a scraggly beard then where’s the harm in having two of those guys?  Also, he might be the one guy Kobe doesn’t have the balls to stare down after he makes a turnover (visualizing The Undertaker lifting Kobe in the air and choking him.  Sublime.).

5. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake (Nuggets) – I include him only because I’d want him to cut Gasol’s hair after the game.  Plus, a Denver-area surgeon may need to borrow his shears to perform George Karl’s stomach reduction.

4. Tito Santana (Lakers) – Just like David Stern, I’m trying to grow the brand.  Putting the Hispanic guy on the team in Los Angeles is just me taking advantage of the demographics.  That sounds materialistic and empty to you?  My apologies.  Now go choke on your egg whites and chai latte you dickslapping hippie.

3. The Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase (Nuggets) – The team is named after Gold.  It’s really that simple, people.  Plus, he boned my aunt back in the early 80′s (true story).  So there’s that.

2. Ric Flair (Lakers) – He’s a cackling douche who was born to be a Laker.  I’d just love to see Ric and Phil Jackson have a smug-off.  Just a cavalcade of snide, smartass one-liners.  Plus, I think his flowing mane would be a great compliment to the Lakers uniform.

1. Hulk Hogan (Nuggets) – I couldn’t do an old school wrestler list without putting the king daddy of the shrunken testicle gang in it.  Whatta ya gonna do, brother?  When the Nuggets run wild on you?!  (Puts hand to ear, listens intently) 

Nuggets in 7.  Yeah, I said it.  Wanna fight about it?

Recently, Steelers linebacker James Harrison made headlines by choosing not to accompany the Steelers to the White House for a visit with President Obama. To get to the bottom of this controversy, Style Points invited President Obama and Mr. Harrison for a gentlemanly debate on the topic. Here is a transcript of the exchange:

President Obama

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the actions of a certain Pittsburgh Steeler, yet grateful for the thoughts and wishes of a nation.  I thank President Bush for his previous recognition of the Steelers, as well as the generosity he showed throughout the transition in offering to give me several key pieces of memorabilia.

Forty-four Steelers have now accepted the Presidential invitation to attend the White House.  The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of the post-Super Bowl hangover.  Yet, every so often the invitation must be taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms.  At these moments, Steeler Nation has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those on the gridiron, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forefathers: the Bradshaws and the Francos and all the ghosts of glories past.

That we are the midst of crisis is now well understood.  Our nation is at war, and one of the shining beacons of hope in Steeler Nation has refused his invitation to attend the White House.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real.  They are serious and they are many.  But know this, Steeler Nation, they will be met.

James Harrison

This is how I feel — if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don’t win the Super Bowl.  As far as I’m concerned, you would’ve invited Arizona if they had won.

President Obama

I can no more disown the Cardinals than I can disown the entire football community.  I can no more disown them than I can my white grandmother – a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves the National Football League as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of passing Anquan Boldin on the street.

The Cardinals, like the Steelers, are a part of me.  And they are a part of America, this country that I love.

James Harrison

Let me ask you a question.  Why is it a big issue now that I’m not going if it wasn’t a big issue the last time?

President Obama

As William Faulkner once wrote, “The past isn’t dead and buried. In fact, it isn’t even past.” We do not need to recite here the history of Presidential invitations in this country. But we do need to remind ourselves that so many of the disparities that exist in the National Football League today can be directly traced to the mistakes passed on from an earlier generation that suffered under the brutal legacy of Paul Tagliabue.

But I have asserted a firm conviction – a conviction rooted in my faith in God and my faith in the Steeler Nation – that working together we can move beyond some of our snubs and wounds, and that in fact we have no choice if we are to continue on the path of a more perfect union.

James Harrison

They’re making a big deal out of this: “Oh, my, James Harrison is not going to the White House, he must be a devil worshiper!”

President Obama

Well, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about now. God bless America.

As America remains mired in an epidemic of obesity and sedentary lifestyle, Style Points feels we have a civic obligation to tackle the problem head-on and lead a national campaign of health education and awareness. However, this seemed like far too much work, so instead we asked friend-of-the-site and current Denver Nuggets Head Coach/celestial body George Karl to share his tips to a healthier and happier you. (Editorial note: The copy we received from Karl was covered in honey mustard and what appears to be saliva, but we’ve tried to transcribe the best we can).

Tip #1: Where possible, replace your Baconnaise with Mayonnaise

I know friends, I know – but no one said this would be easy. This was a tough decision but one I had to make after my 6th heart attack; I knew that if I wanted to avoid coaching on the Big Hardwood in the Sky, I’d have to cut my bacon intake to just McGriddles, BLT sandwiches, scallops wrapped in bacon, chicken fried bacon, bacon creme pies, bacon fat daiquiris, and vanilla ice cream with bacon bit sprinkles. Improving your health is a lot like improving your team – it requires sacrifice and dedication, and maybe a little Chauncey Billups (he’s great about whipping a chest-pass into my head when he sees me overindulging).

I suggest mixing in some bacon bits with your regular mayo with decreasing regularity for the first couple weeks as you try to wean yourself off. Methodone will also work if the cravings are just too large.

Tip #2: Pick up an active hobby/activity that will allow for exercise, like being a Peeping Tom

Nobody likes to exercise, least of all me. I learned a trick from Pat Riley (who used to go running while defecating) that the best way to exercise is to sneak it into something else you already love doing. For me, this was easy – ogling unsuspecting naked chicks.

So, every morning at about 6 am I wake up, put on a track suit and pretend like I’m going for a run. Then I shimmy up the tallest tree in the neighborhood (burn a lot of calories there, it’s a real lumbering oak) and break out my binoculars. I burn even more calories while sweating and attempting to keep my gaze fixed on the busty blonde four doors down with one hand while manipulating my swollen member with the other. Eight minutes of that and the Turducken you polished off for breakfast is good as gone! The beauty of this is that in the event that you’re spotted, or the branch you’ve been mercilessly perched on snaps and gives way, you can burn even more calories during your escape. In fact it’s so good for you that sometimes at the end of practice I make the guys run windsprints with their pants around their ankles and their hands on their johnsons. Birdman Andersen tends to enjoy this a little too much, but I’m pretty sure he’s been to prison.

Tip # 3 – Weigh yourself regularly, and make sure to do it both before and after a bowel movement

Everyone always talks about how much weight they put on, but what about the weight we put out every day? (three to four times depending on the levels of humidity and General Tso’s intake). I’ve found weighing yourself both before and after a bowel movement to be particularly satisfying in that it serves for a barometer for your next meal – as long as what you’re planning to consume is less than 90% the mass of what you’ve just expelled, then you’re losing weight!

However, this did lead to an embarrassing experience once where I mistakenly believed I could eat 46 pounds of ice cream cake and come out on top. It turns out that my pre-dump weigh-in was skewed because in addition to the fecal mountain I was at the time suppressing, I also had a small toddler tucked under my left breast. Apparently at about the same time I was leveling my load, he scampered off in search of candied treats and oxygen. Unfortunately, he was confused and disoriented from his week-long ordeal as a prisoner of my paunch, and bolted straight into oncoming traffic.  Lord knows how I picked him up in the first place, but we are dedicating the Western Conference Finals to his memory, which should really be enough. Let it be a helpful tip to you though – never ignore what feels like a second heart beating inside your chest, because it most often is.

With these helpful tips and a little hard work, I know that you too can soon be a paragon of good health like myself. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment at the Emergency Room for my yearly shocks and struts replacement procedure. See you in the Finals! 

Ron Artest, friend of Style Points, recently visited headquarters to answer a mailbag. Much to our surprise, he wanted to answer legal questions, not unlike his favorite AM radio program, Handel on the Law. It turns out Ron has been reading up on the law in anticipation of a post-basketball occupation now that his connections at Circuit City aren’t worth much. So, while noting that Ron is not an actual attorney and is in no way authorized to give legal advice, we now turn it over to him to answer your legal questions.

Ron,

The government is trying to take my house through something called Eminem Domain. What does a white rapper have to do with bulldozing my house to make way for a highway? Is Dr. Dre a lawyer? Please advise.

Damn, I don’t like where this going because I hate to talk shit on Eminem – the last time I tangled with D-Town white trash, I ended up getting suspended for a year. Nevertheless, from what I hear, the law of Eminem Domain only applies if property is to be used for the production of terrible rap songs featuring scathing lyrics and two-year-old pop-culture references, or possibly murdering your ex. And Dre ain’t no lawyer, he’s actually a proctologist, which I think has something to do with feet.

TurboPaige @Real_Ron_Artest: Can I hire a band of midgets to go off my ex-husband and not get caught? (via Twitter).

See, this is a great question ‘cuz there are several different interpretations of midget law in the United States. Under one philosophy, midgets should be treated as personal property and thus, all disputes would be handled under property law. In states like this, the midgets that off your husband would be treated the same as a property defect. At most you would only face civil liability, depending on the likelihood of harm caused by your midgets and whether or not your husband ignored an anticipated risk. However, some states rely strictly on animal cruelty statutes. In states like this, your midgets may get put down, and you could face predetermined fines depending on your level of gulptability.

What happens to me if I refuse to snitch on my friend who shot his girlfriend in the leg. The detective’s all up in my shit about it.

Thanks, Taco Terry Sanchez.

Your question poses a bigger question. Namely, “did the bitch deserve it?” If she deserved it, then you explain to the detective the exact circumstances, including as many details about the provocation and crime as possible. He’s sure to see it your buddy’s way, essay. Now, if the bitch didn’t deserve it, then here’s what you do: LAWYER UP. Once you lawyer up they’ll no longer have reason to ask you about your buddy, and will instead focus on what you are hiding about your own criminal activities. But they won’t be able to learn anything, because you’ve already lawyered up. (Note: my advice re: “bitch deserved it” only applies if the detective is a dude.).

Chrislowery @Real_Ron_Artest I keep gettin stopped by tha Cops because of my tents on my car, what tha hell is tha darkest percentage u can get?? (via twitter)

I’m a little confused here. I love the circus as much as anybody, especially seeing the train roll into town with the tents all rolled up on the long flat-beds. But I ain’t never heard of anyone getting busted for tents on their ride. My advice would be to check your local traffic-safety regulations, and especially the visibility codes. You might want to make sure that the front flap is zippered all the way up so that you can see out of the entire windshield, and depending on the tent, use the ventilation flaps for your side mirrors.

Dear Ron,

Now that Justice David Souter is retiring from the Supreme Court, who do you think should replace him?

Great question. On one hand, I would really like to see Obama nominate federal appeals court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, not only because she is a liberal but because she would be the nation’s first Hispanic justice. On the other hand, I have always been a law-and-economics fan, so I would love to see Seventh Circuit Justice Richard Posner, even though that will never happen for political reasons. So, instead, I’m going to have to go with my girl Wanda from Yonkers. She just finished up her night class term at NYSL and she’s an absolute dynamo in and out of the sack. Plus, her Gasol-esque hair would be the be the most unique thing to hit the Supreme Court since Thurgood Marshall’s undescended testicle.

“I’ve twittered my heart out but nobody seems to listen,” says Madsen. “I have like 14 followers. I look over at Shaq and the Diesel has got 999,373 in his pocket. I keep leaving him texts asking for a plug, but he’s been ignoring me. We went to Dairy Queen every Wednesday night back in ’02. It’s just frustrating, man. Doesn’t anyone want to know my feelings about John Denver!?”

Twitter, the social networking device that has swept the nation, caters to the celebrity audience as it provides the opportunity for fan interaction and a chance for the working man to catch a glimmer into the everyday life of a star. It can also act as an ego boost for the fallen famous, as they can find solace in the fact that their washed up selves are still loved by at least a couple thousand souls. Unfortunately for Madsen, this grasp at self esteem seems to have backfired.

“Even BORING people have had astounding success,” says Madsen. “Look at Ashton Kutcher. Fiberglass insulation has more personality than that guy. Yesterday I tweeted ‘Today is a good day for pie’. That’s funny right? Punch me in the f—— face if that isn’t funny.”

His wife Martha is worried most of all.

“He’s been pretty down and out about this twitter business,” says Martha Madsen. “Just this morning he refused to join my mother and his great aunt for our weekly game of bridge. He was muttering something about ‘auditioning for Saturday Night Live’, ‘Porking a potbelly pig’ and ‘mooning a short bus’. It’s like high school all over again. He’s begging for popularity. I read somewhere that you can buy twitter followers. This might have to happen. Don’t tell him though.”

The website Twitterpromoter.com promises to offer various packages that guarantee hundreds or even thousands of real followers that will read your updates and even ‘visit your website’ or possibly ‘buy your products’.

“I’m hoping this obsession with twitter ends soon. An idea I had was to convince him that Twitter was broken and only Thomas Edison could fix it. I know it’s a retarded idea, but you don’t know Mark. He’ll fall for it,” laughs Martha Madsen.

“I had to convince him just yesterday after watching Shrek that Eddie Murphy had not in fact been turned into a midget donkey,” sighs his ten year old daughter Lindsay. “Mommy says he wanted to name me Megatron.”

His teammates understand why Madsen can’t seem to find a following.

“He got 14 followers? Damn boy!” said Minnesota Timberwolves point guard Sebastian Telfair. “I can tell you why. That nigga BORING. I once broke a Puerto Rican’s arm for sweatpants money. He ever do that?!? No. [Teammate Ronald] Carney force fed Al Jefferson an Owl baby last Christmas! “

Evidence proves Telfair’s statement true. Just today Madsen twittered, “I could listen to Pure Prairie League for eternity!”

“All he does is talk about classical music and house elves,” says teammate Brian Cardinal. “One weekend he spent two hours explaining to me the proper use of the conjunctive. He spends his weekends concocting synonyms for the word happy and talking to his pet hamster, Mr. Bojangles.”

While the rest of the celebrity world is aflutter with Twitter mania, the Madsen household has a dark cloud of despair lingering over it. The boring big man has come to the realization that he will never have the following of Dwight Howard or even Suns coach Alvin Gentry, the proud shepherd of almost 4,000 followers. He will never exchange a witty @ conversation with C-List douche celebrities like Jimmy Fallon, or boast of his badminton successes to thousands of revering normal people.

“Maybe I can try Friendster,” says Madsen. “I hear they have a strong Midwestern white man vibe.”

Anyways, as part of our plea deal we agreed to open this space (the #3 fastest growing blog according to wordpress) up for public service announcements.  Luckily, we secured the services of a real champion.  A.C. Green, world conquering forward for the Showtime era Lakers has volunteered to answer sex education questions from the youngsters at North Gulfport Junior High in Gulfport, MS.

Take it away,  A.C.

Question #1 – Mr. Green, Is it possible to get pregnant from giving oral sex to my boyfriend, Daryl?

Oh my.  I wasn’t expecting such graphic questions!  I’m surprised 14 year-olds are aware of oral sex.  I remember when I learned about mouth pleasure.  It was back in 1987.  Our point guard, Magic Johnson, was in a shower stall with two Laker Girls and they were positioned with their faces in his loin region.  Confused, I asked Magic what’s going on?  He said he was just showing the girls where a horse bit him.  He said his groin was swollen and purple and one of the dancers was a part-time nurse’s aide.  It wasn’t until Kurt Rambis explained what was really going on that I learned the details of oral copulation.

As to your matter ma’am, YES you can get pregnant from oral sex.  The body digests the fluids and when they go through your bladder they seep into your uterus.  The success rate of this manner is very high and there’s only 2 ways to combat it.  1. Chew Trident gum while performing these acts (flouride kills sperm) 2. abstinence.

Question #2 – Yo, A.C.  I saw this chick in a porno talk about her ‘clit.’  What’s that and where is it?

Mercy me, kids grow up so fast!  It distresses me that 7th and 8th graders are viewing pornographic materials.  I guess I come from a different generation.  The first adult feature I saw was at James Worthy’s Easter egg hunt.  At first I thought everyone was gathered around the television watching Peter Cottontail or some other appropriate holiday program.  Imagine my surprise when Byron Scott told me that they were watching Peter Cockinhertail.  I finished 3rd in the egg hunt that year (I think Kareem’s kid won) because I couldn’t quit thinking of all the strange gyrations I saw on the TV.

Enough of that, though.  The clitoris is the part of the woman’s reproductive system that makes her pregnant.  It’s located deep inside her right between her pancreas and gall bladder.  Also, when it gets irritated it causes a woman to have a menstrual cycle.  You definitely want to stay away from it.

Question #3 – I’ve got my first girlfriend.  I’m nervous about touching her boobs.  I don’t want to look like I don’t know what I’m doing.  What’s the right way to handle her breasts?

I must admit this is somewhat upsetting.  I was 27 years old before I saw my first naked breast and I was 39 before I touched a breast.  When I was with the Lakers, Coach Riley called me over to his house to discuss my free throw shooting.  His only advice was that I was too uptight and relaxing would help my shooting percentage.  He then walked me into his basement where many attractive women were rubbing baby oil on themselves and also on Coach’s naked body.  He then tried to entice me to inhale a line of what I think was cocaine off the naked posterior of Paula Abdul.  Needless to say, my free throw shooting suffered greatly while I tried to cleanse that modern day Caligula scene from my mind.

But…if you insist on touching a female’s breast there’s really only one way to do it.  The breasts lack muscles, nerves and other working parts.  They’re essentially empty except for milk.  That gives you the leeway to handle them as roughly as you please.  The female breast  responds favorably to  aggressive tactics.  Slapping, twisting, pinching and biting the breast and particularly the nipple area should bring you the most enthusiastic responses.

In closing, I’d like to encourage all of you youngsters to wait until you’re mature enough before participating in sexual activities.  You’ve got your whole life ahead of you and there’s more pleasurable and exciting things in this world than sexual intercourse.  But, if you’re going to have sex make sure you use condoms.  The proper way to use them is to unroll them and insert them deep inside your lover.  Otherwise, you’re likely to wind up diseased and/or pregnant.

[Editor's Note:  We'd like to thank Mr. Green and also the kids of North Gulfport  Junior High for the excellent questions.  We'd also like to thank Judge Vlahos for the lenient sentence.  Finally, mikedrawcar gets the love for a most excellent photoshop.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.]