Recently, Steelers linebacker James Harrison made headlines by choosing not to accompany the Steelers to the White House for a visit with President Obama. To get to the bottom of this controversy, Style Points invited President Obama and Mr. Harrison for a gentlemanly debate on the topic. Here is a transcript of the exchange:

President Obama

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the actions of a certain Pittsburgh Steeler, yet grateful for the thoughts and wishes of a nation.  I thank President Bush for his previous recognition of the Steelers, as well as the generosity he showed throughout the transition in offering to give me several key pieces of memorabilia.

Forty-four Steelers have now accepted the Presidential invitation to attend the White House.  The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of the post-Super Bowl hangover.  Yet, every so often the invitation must be taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms.  At these moments, Steeler Nation has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those on the gridiron, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forefathers: the Bradshaws and the Francos and all the ghosts of glories past.

That we are the midst of crisis is now well understood.  Our nation is at war, and one of the shining beacons of hope in Steeler Nation has refused his invitation to attend the White House.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real.  They are serious and they are many.  But know this, Steeler Nation, they will be met.

James Harrison

This is how I feel — if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don’t win the Super Bowl.  As far as I’m concerned, you would’ve invited Arizona if they had won.

President Obama

I can no more disown the Cardinals than I can disown the entire football community.  I can no more disown them than I can my white grandmother – a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves the National Football League as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of passing Anquan Boldin on the street.

The Cardinals, like the Steelers, are a part of me.  And they are a part of America, this country that I love.

James Harrison

Let me ask you a question.  Why is it a big issue now that I’m not going if it wasn’t a big issue the last time?

President Obama

As William Faulkner once wrote, “The past isn’t dead and buried. In fact, it isn’t even past.” We do not need to recite here the history of Presidential invitations in this country. But we do need to remind ourselves that so many of the disparities that exist in the National Football League today can be directly traced to the mistakes passed on from an earlier generation that suffered under the brutal legacy of Paul Tagliabue.

But I have asserted a firm conviction – a conviction rooted in my faith in God and my faith in the Steeler Nation – that working together we can move beyond some of our snubs and wounds, and that in fact we have no choice if we are to continue on the path of a more perfect union.

James Harrison

They’re making a big deal out of this: “Oh, my, James Harrison is not going to the White House, he must be a devil worshiper!”

President Obama

Well, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about now. God bless America.

Ron Artest, friend of Style Points, recently visited headquarters to answer a mailbag. Much to our surprise, he wanted to answer legal questions, not unlike his favorite AM radio program, Handel on the Law. It turns out Ron has been reading up on the law in anticipation of a post-basketball occupation now that his connections at Circuit City aren’t worth much. So, while noting that Ron is not an actual attorney and is in no way authorized to give legal advice, we now turn it over to him to answer your legal questions.

Ron,

The government is trying to take my house through something called Eminem Domain. What does a white rapper have to do with bulldozing my house to make way for a highway? Is Dr. Dre a lawyer? Please advise.

Damn, I don’t like where this going because I hate to talk shit on Eminem – the last time I tangled with D-Town white trash, I ended up getting suspended for a year. Nevertheless, from what I hear, the law of Eminem Domain only applies if property is to be used for the production of terrible rap songs featuring scathing lyrics and two-year-old pop-culture references, or possibly murdering your ex. And Dre ain’t no lawyer, he’s actually a proctologist, which I think has something to do with feet.

TurboPaige @Real_Ron_Artest: Can I hire a band of midgets to go off my ex-husband and not get caught? (via Twitter).

See, this is a great question ‘cuz there are several different interpretations of midget law in the United States. Under one philosophy, midgets should be treated as personal property and thus, all disputes would be handled under property law. In states like this, the midgets that off your husband would be treated the same as a property defect. At most you would only face civil liability, depending on the likelihood of harm caused by your midgets and whether or not your husband ignored an anticipated risk. However, some states rely strictly on animal cruelty statutes. In states like this, your midgets may get put down, and you could face predetermined fines depending on your level of gulptability.

What happens to me if I refuse to snitch on my friend who shot his girlfriend in the leg. The detective’s all up in my shit about it.

Thanks, Taco Terry Sanchez.

Your question poses a bigger question. Namely, “did the bitch deserve it?” If she deserved it, then you explain to the detective the exact circumstances, including as many details about the provocation and crime as possible. He’s sure to see it your buddy’s way, essay. Now, if the bitch didn’t deserve it, then here’s what you do: LAWYER UP. Once you lawyer up they’ll no longer have reason to ask you about your buddy, and will instead focus on what you are hiding about your own criminal activities. But they won’t be able to learn anything, because you’ve already lawyered up. (Note: my advice re: “bitch deserved it” only applies if the detective is a dude.).

Chrislowery @Real_Ron_Artest I keep gettin stopped by tha Cops because of my tents on my car, what tha hell is tha darkest percentage u can get?? (via twitter)

I’m a little confused here. I love the circus as much as anybody, especially seeing the train roll into town with the tents all rolled up on the long flat-beds. But I ain’t never heard of anyone getting busted for tents on their ride. My advice would be to check your local traffic-safety regulations, and especially the visibility codes. You might want to make sure that the front flap is zippered all the way up so that you can see out of the entire windshield, and depending on the tent, use the ventilation flaps for your side mirrors.

Dear Ron,

Now that Justice David Souter is retiring from the Supreme Court, who do you think should replace him?

Great question. On one hand, I would really like to see Obama nominate federal appeals court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, not only because she is a liberal but because she would be the nation’s first Hispanic justice. On the other hand, I have always been a law-and-economics fan, so I would love to see Seventh Circuit Justice Richard Posner, even though that will never happen for political reasons. So, instead, I’m going to have to go with my girl Wanda from Yonkers. She just finished up her night class term at NYSL and she’s an absolute dynamo in and out of the sack. Plus, her Gasol-esque hair would be the be the most unique thing to hit the Supreme Court since Thurgood Marshall’s undescended testicle.

McIntyre (wardrobe by Ed Hardy)

Bills running back Corey McIntyre allegedly took excessive measures to practice his no-huddle offense. The journeyman back faces a misdemeanor exposure of sexual organs charge after a 59-year old woman told police that she heard a knock at her window, then witnessed McIntyre masturbating outside. There has been no report as to what he used to knock on the window.

McIntyre denied the charges, described his activities as his usual bicycle routine, and says he did not actually run the waggle in front of the woman. His agent has released a statement:

Corey McIntyre is one of the highest character people around and the last guy who would do what he’s been accused of. We look forward to proving that these embarrassing accusations are completely false and that Corey is guilty of absolutely nothing.

Although McIntyre is a former Saint, at this time there seems to be no connection between this incident and the similar charges recently brought against current Saints players Biren Ealy and Kolomona Kapanui. There also appears to be no truth to rumors that McIntyre was practicing the naked bootleg in anticipation of a position switch to quarterback.

We’ll update this story as further details and dick jokes become available.

[Pro Football Talk]
[TC Palm]
[Deadspin]

Socks asked me to follow-up on the piece, and through intrepid reporting I was able to learn the identity of the person that posted the ad. In exchange for keeping his identity secret, my anonymous source graciously provided me with all of the email responses to the ad, which I now have the pleasure of sharing with you.

There were, naturally, a couple fairly benign inquiries about price. “D” asked, “how much is half of the rent and utlilites?” while “PH” wrote, “Okay, so interesting posting. You neglected to list pricing and what not.”

But from there, things got a little more interesting:

Hello, my name is Evan and I have an infectious disease also and I am looking for a room to rent. I am moving from Philadelphia in August to Atlanta so i am looking for a room to rent. I have one question. How much are the rooms?

Oh, Evan, where do I begin? Now, I admit that I am no doctor, but as my momma always taught me, two infectious diseases do not make a right. Perhaps you were just trying to extend an olive branch to the infected roomate-seeker, but I love the fact that in your mind you are now roommate-soul-brothers with the poster. And here’s a question that I’m sure the Style Points readership can answer: There has to be an infectious-disease roommate matching service out there somewhere, right?

And then, there was this beauty of an email from Dimitri:

telll me more about this craigslist add about this manision.
i 2 am 420 friendly :]

Dimitri, I would provide more of an answer here, but CPH ran off with my stash and I don’t think I can adequately communicate with you at this point. Instead, I would rather focus on the following email:

Hi

i saw your advert on www.craiglist.com. My name is sonia,,am 26 yeras old,Am an architect,I lived in France.
Am highly interested in the available room,and will be glad if you can get back to me with the information about the room,including the payment,and will be glad if the room is been rented to me.
As payment will be made to you asap.

Anxiously waitibng to read from you.
Soonest Regards
Sonia.

Sonia, despite the fact that I think you might have been burning tree with Dimitri, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are actually the real deal. And by real deal, I mean French model Sonia Rolland.

If your pursuit of this Craigslist ad doesn’t work out, I’m sure we here at Style Points can find you reasonable accommodations. We look forward to hearing from you.

Recently, Tim Brown suggested that Al Davis doesn’t like black people. It was just like when Kanye West said the same thing about George Bush, except that in this case it’s not true. To make sure no further mistakes like this happen, Style Points sent Mr. Davis a questionnaire about his likes and dislikes. Here are his answers:

Category	Likes	Dislikes
Races	Blacks (excluding Tim Brown and Marcus Allen)	Mexicans (especially Tony Gonzales)
Weapons	Sharpened Dentures	N/A
Cities	Oakland/Los Angeles	Los Angeles/Oakland
Bathroom Reading	Phillipine-American War Literature	Popular Science
Vehicles
Morbidly Obese Coaches	John Madden	Art Shell
History	The Crusades, The Spanish Inquisition, Waterboarding, Richard Nixon	Due Process, The Renaissance, Handjobs, Chinamen
Kiffins	Layla, and the bastard children Lane thinks are his	Lane, AKA the douchebag who will never see the rest of his contracted money
Blood Types	B- (hard to find, but a distinct, oaky flavor)	O+ (only fit for commoners)

[Pasadena, CA: MANNY RAMIREZ is floating in his pool, wearing water-wings. Nearby, construction workers are laying concrete for 9-hole putt-putt course.]

MANNY [arms thrashing, starting to panic]: Manny camping! Manny camping!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: ¿Qué?

MANNY: Camping! My legs are camping!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: ¿Qué usted está hablando?

MANNY: My legs are camping! ¡Mis piernas están obstaculizando!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: Ahh! cramping!

[MANNY blacks out as the CONSTRUCTION WORKER dives into the pool to rescue him. Screen cuts to Opening Credits]

[Princeton, NJ: HOUSE, TAUB, and THIRTEEN are sitting in HOUSE's office]

HOUSE: [Takes a vicodin.]: Symptoms, we’ve got cramping, blacking-out, and his history shows some rage issues and aloofness.

TAUB: Those last two are probably psych, and he could have been dehydrated in the pool. Heat stroke.

HOUSE: Too simple, it’s all connected. What about steroid abuse?

THIRTEEN: He denies using steroids, and he tested negative.

HOUSE: Everybody lies. Did the tox-screen show anything?

THIRTEEN: H.C.G. Steroid users will take it to produce testosterone and prevent growing a…

HOUSE: …rack like yours? [Takes a vicodin.]

[Hours later, TAUB and THIRTEEN put MANNY in CT machine for scan.]

TAUB: Try to remain still, this will take a while.

MANNY: Manny in happy place. Manny in happy place. [Starts to twitch.] Happy place not so happy! Manny getting sad! [Starts full-body convulsions as TAUB and THIRTEEN rush in to stabilize him.]

[HOUSE's office, FOREMAN has just returned from investigating MANNY's house.]

HOUSE: [Takes a vicodin.] So, what did you find?

FOREMAN: Nothing relevant, unless it’s possible to OD on gumballs, he had a dozen giant gumball machines.

[TAUB and THIRTEEN enter the office.]

HOUSE: What did the scan reveal?

TAUB: Nothing, he started seizing before we could get any results.

HOUSE: [Takes a vicodin.] I’ll be right back. [Limps to WILSON's office.] Wilson, my patient has had cramping, seizures, rage, aloofness, and has taken steroids for baseball.

WILSON: And you think it’s a tumor?

HOUSE: He also has consumed enough gum and female fertility drugs that it could be…

WILSON: Whoa, House! That’s extremely rare and the only way to test for it is to cut him open!

HOUSE: I know… Pretty cool, huh?

[Operating room.]

MANNY: Manny scared! Please don’t cut Manny! Is Manny going to die?

HOUSE: Technically, we’re all going to die. [Cuts into MANNY's chest as everyone else looks on astonished to see a small, fleshy figure start to emerge.]

HOUSE: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Carcinoma Borasitis! This ugly little bastard has been gradually taking over the patient’s body.

TUMOR SCOTT BORAS: We have not finished negotiating Manny’s appearance fee! This shit will never see the light of day!

HOUSE: [Takes two vicodin.]

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*Thanks to mikedrawcar for the photoshop work.