The NFL lockout has afforded the league’s athletes with an unprecedented amount of free time.  Here at Style Points we will be highlighting interesting and innovative uses of this time by some of today’s biggest stars.  Today, we present you with a transcript – yes, we sent the ten dollars and self-addressed stamped envelope – of a new public access television show hosted by Pittsburgh Steeler running back Rashard Mendenhall.  His first guest?  Our old, dear friend…Ron Artest.

Rashard Mendenhall:  Welcome to Conspiracy Corner.  I’m your host, Rashard Mendenhall.  Tonight I’m thrilled to tell you that we have a real NBA star here to share his thoughts regarding some of the world’s biggest mysteries.  Ladies and gentlemen, RON ARTEST!

Ron Artest:  What’s good?

RM: Ron, pleasure to have you!  First question….were you followed here?

RA: I don’t think so.  I mean, I changed buses twice and then I covered myself in mud like Predator and shit.  I bought what I thought was an invisibility cloak from this homeless dude but that turned out to be a camouflage Snuggie.  So, I don’t know what his return policy is on that shit but I got my receipt and…

RM: Ron, that’s a property card from Monopoly.

RA: For real?

RM: Yeah, that’s Baltic Avenue.

RA: Man, what’s the world coming to?

RM: That’s exactly what we’re exploring here on Conspiracy Corner.  Let’s not beat around the bush.  I made my thoughts regarding the (air quotes) death of Osama Bin Laden public last week.  I’m personally skeptical.  I mean, maybe I’m crazy but I just don’t think the Navy would shoot the guy and then toss him overboard without letting the public see the body.  Your thoughts?

RA:  Yeah, that’s definitely fishy.  The thing that scares me is what if they REALLY threw him in the ocean?!  With all the toxic waste that washed into the sea after the earthquake in Japan, isn’t anyone scared that Osama will get like, all radiated and shit and come back as a 100ft. mutant octopus?

RM: Aww, shit. Like an Osamapus?  I never thought of that.  I bet that’s exactly what our government wants.  Now all the government contractors are going to start selling the military mutant octopus photon guns.

RA:  Phil Jackson told me that he heard we already cloned a whole team of mutant Clint Eastwoods with great white sharks.

RM: That’s awesome!  Wait, it’s not the Clint Eastwood from Bridges Over Madison County is it because he was a total pussy in that movie.

RA:  Naw, they made sure it’s the Clint from Gran Torino so it’s extra racist against brown people and shit.

RM: Dope.  Okay, so, the Twin Towers.  Was that an inside job?

RA:  That’s an easy one.  Go rent the game Rampage.

RM:  Huh?

RA:  I’m telling you a gorilla, a werewolf, and a giant godzilla beat them shits down with their bare hands.

RM:  Uh….why would they do that?

RA:  Godzilla was working for the Japanese Yakuza.  That gorilla was clearly avenging King Kong.

RM: What about the werewolf?

RA:  Unrequited love.

RM:  What the hell are you talking about?

RA:  I heard that werewolf was just trying to get the attention of a chick who is torn between her affection for him and a Dracula.

RM:  Ron….that’s from the movie Twilight.

RA:  If you say so.

RM:  Man, I thought my theories were out there.  Well, we’re running short of time.  Any last minute thoughts you want to throw out there?

RA:  Yeah, grape soda.

RM:  Grape soda?!

RA:  Can’t find that shit in a good neighborhood.  Conspiracy?  You tell me.

RM:  Why is it available in only bad neighborhoods?

RA:  It was introduced in the ghetto because the government knew that shit was highly addictive and black folks would kill each other over that shit.

RM:  I think you’re thinking of crack.

RA:  Naw, FANTA GODDAMNIT!

RM:  Okay, that’s all the time we have on Conspiracy Corner.  I’d like to thank my guest, Ron Artest, who’s insanity is reassuring to me.  I mean, at least I’m not that crazy.

RA:  New York City was built on top of a pet cemetery!

RM:  Jesus, I can’t wait for this lockout to be over…

(Attn:  For the mouth breathers out there, this is a fake interview.  Our shitty, has-been blog does not have access to professional athletes.  That is all.)

Dear Mr. Bogwater,

Long time reader, first time writer.  I’ve been struggling at the plate lately.  My power has mysteriously disappeared.  Though last night I connected for my first home run of the year.  What I would like to know is do you think that’s a sign that I’m getting my stroke back or just dumb luck?

Thanks,

Brokedown in Beantown

Yeah, I’ve been following you closely since you play for my favorite team.  What’s that?  You’re surprised a redneck is a big Boston fan?  Can you guess the last team to integrate their roster?  That’s right, Boston.  That’s neither here nor there.  My pappy had a saying.  It’s ‘the sun shines on a dog’s ass every now and then.’  Son, you are a whistling tea kettle right now.  You’re done.  If you were a turkey in the oven, the meat themometer would say 170 degrees.

Seriously,  do you realize all the shit that’s happened between the time of tonight’s homer and your previous homer?  The economy has nearly evaporated, some gal had 8 kids, 14 people died from a sprained ankle, and we elected a darn colored fella president.  By the time you connect again we could have Foghorn Leghorn as Secretary of Defense.  So unless you’re planning on taking gorilla ‘roids your best bet is hanging up the spikes and opening a chain of Jamba Juice stores.  I hear that’s big with those hippie queers.

Dear Festus,

I was recently released from lock-up for a bunch of shit.  Let’s just say that a dog is not always a man’s best friend.  I want to know what you think I should do to get back into pro football.

Peace,

Let Loose from Leavenworth

Fella, I’m surprised you wrote me.  You should’ve known that you’d receive no quarter here.  Most old rednecks love their dogs more than their grandchildren.  But, no one’s ever mistaken you for sharp, have they boy?  You’re as dumb as a box of rocks and as useless as a bag of hammered shit.  Luckily you’ve stashed away all those millions you made in the NFL.  Actually, I’ve just been informed that you’re currently going through a bankruptcy.  So now you’re moral and financially bankrupt?  When I was in Da Nang those slope gals tried to teach me about karma and Buddha and all that but all I could think about was tannin’ their yella backsides without catching the Bull Head Clap.  I understand it so clearly now.  You are justifiably fucked.  And I couldn’t be happier.

Dear FTB,

Love the column.  I’ve been dying to know; how the hell does an old redneck know how to work a computer much less how to format HTML?

Regards,

Saberhagendaaz

First off, the fuck kind of name is that?  Second, my grandson is a pillow-biting fairy that knows his way around a keyboard almost as well as he knows his way around a man’s foreskin.  The Senior Center here in town encouraged me to find a common ground with him and this was his bright idea.  So, you can thank Thad, my limp-wristed, scarf wearing descendent for the column.  God bless his unnatural ways.  He can’t find reverse on my Kubota tractor but he can teach you how to hide them Vida Guerra pics from grandma.  So it’s not all bad.  Hope this answers your question, fruitcake.

See you fellas next week.

Best,

Festus T. Bogwater

10. Junkyard Dog  (Lakers) - He’s a perfect fit for LA because they are as soft as Jack Nicholson’s penis pavillion (stomach).  Yes, he’s dead but if you’re going to be a stickler about whether or not these old school wrestlers are alive then I’m not going to be able to write this fucking thing so shut up Mean Gene Okerlund.


9. Koko B. Ware (Nuggets) – I like him with the Nuggets for a lot of reasons.  The main one was it would be foolish to have a guy with a parrot and not put him on a team with “The Birdman.”

8. Randy “Macho Man” Savage (Lakers) – Where to start?  Tan that makes him look like an old leather saddlebag?  Check.  Classic frizzy hairstyle that makes it look like an orangutang is trying to passionately perform monkey sex in the back of your neck?  Check.  Corny wraparound shades that you wear indoors and out?  Of course.  Now, did I just describe the Macho Man or every jackass on Venice Beach?
 

7. Jake “The Snake” Roberts (Nuggets) - It’s well known that The Snake has been battling some demons (crack) and I’m figuring The Birdman could be his sponsor.  Also, we’d get to debate the Python vs. Black Mamba matchup.  Goddamn, I’m a genius.

6. The Undertaker (Lakers) – If you’re going to have one pasty ass weirdo with a scraggly beard then where’s the harm in having two of those guys?  Also, he might be the one guy Kobe doesn’t have the balls to stare down after he makes a turnover (visualizing The Undertaker lifting Kobe in the air and choking him.  Sublime.).

5. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake (Nuggets) – I include him only because I’d want him to cut Gasol’s hair after the game.  Plus, a Denver-area surgeon may need to borrow his shears to perform George Karl’s stomach reduction.

4. Tito Santana (Lakers) – Just like David Stern, I’m trying to grow the brand.  Putting the Hispanic guy on the team in Los Angeles is just me taking advantage of the demographics.  That sounds materialistic and empty to you?  My apologies.  Now go choke on your egg whites and chai latte you dickslapping hippie.

3. The Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase (Nuggets) – The team is named after Gold.  It’s really that simple, people.  Plus, he boned my aunt back in the early 80′s (true story).  So there’s that.

2. Ric Flair (Lakers) – He’s a cackling douche who was born to be a Laker.  I’d just love to see Ric and Phil Jackson have a smug-off.  Just a cavalcade of snide, smartass one-liners.  Plus, I think his flowing mane would be a great compliment to the Lakers uniform.

1. Hulk Hogan (Nuggets) – I couldn’t do an old school wrestler list without putting the king daddy of the shrunken testicle gang in it.  Whatta ya gonna do, brother?  When the Nuggets run wild on you?!  (Puts hand to ear, listens intently) 

Nuggets in 7.  Yeah, I said it.  Wanna fight about it?

Anyways, as part of our plea deal we agreed to open this space (the #3 fastest growing blog according to wordpress) up for public service announcements.  Luckily, we secured the services of a real champion.  A.C. Green, world conquering forward for the Showtime era Lakers has volunteered to answer sex education questions from the youngsters at North Gulfport Junior High in Gulfport, MS.

Take it away,  A.C.

Question #1 – Mr. Green, Is it possible to get pregnant from giving oral sex to my boyfriend, Daryl?

Oh my.  I wasn’t expecting such graphic questions!  I’m surprised 14 year-olds are aware of oral sex.  I remember when I learned about mouth pleasure.  It was back in 1987.  Our point guard, Magic Johnson, was in a shower stall with two Laker Girls and they were positioned with their faces in his loin region.  Confused, I asked Magic what’s going on?  He said he was just showing the girls where a horse bit him.  He said his groin was swollen and purple and one of the dancers was a part-time nurse’s aide.  It wasn’t until Kurt Rambis explained what was really going on that I learned the details of oral copulation.

As to your matter ma’am, YES you can get pregnant from oral sex.  The body digests the fluids and when they go through your bladder they seep into your uterus.  The success rate of this manner is very high and there’s only 2 ways to combat it.  1. Chew Trident gum while performing these acts (flouride kills sperm) 2. abstinence.

Question #2 – Yo, A.C.  I saw this chick in a porno talk about her ‘clit.’  What’s that and where is it?

Mercy me, kids grow up so fast!  It distresses me that 7th and 8th graders are viewing pornographic materials.  I guess I come from a different generation.  The first adult feature I saw was at James Worthy’s Easter egg hunt.  At first I thought everyone was gathered around the television watching Peter Cottontail or some other appropriate holiday program.  Imagine my surprise when Byron Scott told me that they were watching Peter Cockinhertail.  I finished 3rd in the egg hunt that year (I think Kareem’s kid won) because I couldn’t quit thinking of all the strange gyrations I saw on the TV.

Enough of that, though.  The clitoris is the part of the woman’s reproductive system that makes her pregnant.  It’s located deep inside her right between her pancreas and gall bladder.  Also, when it gets irritated it causes a woman to have a menstrual cycle.  You definitely want to stay away from it.

Question #3 – I’ve got my first girlfriend.  I’m nervous about touching her boobs.  I don’t want to look like I don’t know what I’m doing.  What’s the right way to handle her breasts?

I must admit this is somewhat upsetting.  I was 27 years old before I saw my first naked breast and I was 39 before I touched a breast.  When I was with the Lakers, Coach Riley called me over to his house to discuss my free throw shooting.  His only advice was that I was too uptight and relaxing would help my shooting percentage.  He then walked me into his basement where many attractive women were rubbing baby oil on themselves and also on Coach’s naked body.  He then tried to entice me to inhale a line of what I think was cocaine off the naked posterior of Paula Abdul.  Needless to say, my free throw shooting suffered greatly while I tried to cleanse that modern day Caligula scene from my mind.

But…if you insist on touching a female’s breast there’s really only one way to do it.  The breasts lack muscles, nerves and other working parts.  They’re essentially empty except for milk.  That gives you the leeway to handle them as roughly as you please.  The female breast  responds favorably to  aggressive tactics.  Slapping, twisting, pinching and biting the breast and particularly the nipple area should bring you the most enthusiastic responses.

In closing, I’d like to encourage all of you youngsters to wait until you’re mature enough before participating in sexual activities.  You’ve got your whole life ahead of you and there’s more pleasurable and exciting things in this world than sexual intercourse.  But, if you’re going to have sex make sure you use condoms.  The proper way to use them is to unroll them and insert them deep inside your lover.  Otherwise, you’re likely to wind up diseased and/or pregnant.

[Editor's Note:  We'd like to thank Mr. Green and also the kids of North Gulfport  Junior High for the excellent questions.  We'd also like to thank Judge Vlahos for the lenient sentence.  Finally, mikedrawcar gets the love for a most excellent photoshop.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.]

1. “Outshined” by Soundgarden

Here’s a track by the seminal Seattle band that hasn’t been done to death. The line ‘lookin’ California/ feelin’ Minnesota’ is the story of my life. I am a handsome yet miserable bastard. Anyways, there’s a great riff and impeccable vocals by the late, great Chris Cornell. I can’t believe the guy’s been dead for what? Eight years? (Checks Wikipedia) Apparently, Mr. Cornell is still alive and well. Sorry. I was thinking of his artistic integrity.

2. “Not What You Want” by Sleater Kinney

I don’t know why this band wasn’t one of the biggest of the decade. They featured incredible guitars, dynamic drums, and a bonafide wailer of a lead singer. Never mind that the lead guitarist and the singer were involved in a torrid lesbian love affair. Again, what’s not to like? Bonus points to singer Corin Tucker for naming her son Marshall. This redneck enjoys your respect of Southern rock.

3. “Memo From Turner” by The Rolling Stones

It’s probably blasphemy to include a Rolling Stones song that Keith didn’t play on but such is life. That awesome slide guitar you hear is actually Ry Cooder. Sounds like a Jewish porn name. Someone else’s parents had a sense of humor, no?

4. “Frontwards” by Pavement

Another song lyric I can relate to – I’ve got style/for miles and miles/so much style that it’s wasted (cool guitar break). That’s me in a nutshell.

5. “Tipitina” by Professor Longhair

If you’ve never been to New Orleans and wondered what it’s like just put this gem on and it’s all there. The alleys, the clubs, brass bands in the street, the smell of the local fare, and yes, even sounds of the tranny bar down around Toulouse and Bourbon. I’m guessing. Anyways, try to find a live version.

6. “I Am a Scientist” by Guided by Voices

Incredible band mostly mentioned because they’ve formed a club with their old high school pals (Monument Club) strictly around the concept of getting drunk. It should be noted that these guys are in their late 40’s. Kudos.

7. “General Specific” by Band of Horses

What the writers say/It means shit to me now. Great lyric and probably describes your attitude toward this feature. Moving on.

8. “We Came to Dance” by Gaslight Anthem

Everyone seems to cream their jeans over “The ’59 Sound” but I like this one more and I’m writing this thing so piss off.

9. “If I Can’t Have You” by Etta James and Harvey Fuqu

If you want to know what 1950’s style whiskey-soaked and smoke-stenched fornication sounds like then drop a needle on this track. Etta sounds absolutely orgasmic when she’s comes back in after the first chorus.

[www.last.fm]

10. “Fond Farewell” by Elliott Smith

Honestly, I just wanted to write about Elliott Smith’s suicide for a second. Two stabs to the heart with a steak knife. I’m hard-pressed to come up with a more horrific way to off yourself. In a fitting bit of symmetry, this music feature will likely meet an untimely and grisly demise as well. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

10. Donut Maker – We hate to typecast someone but he looks the part.  He also looks the part of a cretinous porn star but, you knew that already.

9. Italian Chef – Yes, there’s a chance he’ll panic and eat up all the profits but since when can you discriminate against someone because of gluttony?  Which brings to mind, do tubby people have special interest groups and legal funds to protect their fat little feelings?

8. Animated Plumber – He probably doesn’t have the vertical leap to jump over those pesky turtles but I’m sure he’s capable of shooting some fiery gas and I guarantee you he’d never miss a warp zone because fat people (and one-legged guys) always know the fastest way to get somewhere.

7. Director of Homeland Security – Sir Charles thinks Stan’s turrible and panics easily.  I’ve always wanted to see what color comes after Red on the Threat Level Advisory Scale.  Purple?

6. Model for Big and Tall – Well, technically, just Big. But  you cannot claim that anyone looks better in a skintight rayon t-shirt and blazer than Stan the Man.

5. Crossing Guard – Only Stan could cause a four car pile-up on a one way side street.  I imagine him wetting his pants when a pedestrian AND a kid on rollerblades occupy the same crosswalk.

4. Talk Show Sidekick – You can go ahead and list “Are You There Vodka?  It’s Me,  Dwight Howard” on Amazon.

3. Funeral Director – His first customer could be Career, His.  Also, I’d love to see him step in to manage the Undertaker just to witness him mishandle another talented big man.

2. Life Coach – He has a reputation for screwing it up at the end which is perfect for life coaching.  If he mismanages you it will only be in the last 5 minutes of your life.  I imagine him telling you to cut off your ventilator to smoke a cigarette or force feeding you a cheeseburger right after heart surgery.

1. Dom Deluise – Most people (including Burt Reynolds) wouldn’t realize he took over for the late, great Deluise and we could finally get  Cannonball Run 3 made, which we’ve all been dying for.  Right?

I’ve never been a fan of apologies generated by PR firms. They always seem vaguely written and insincere. Also, I don’t want to summon the Style Points legal juggernaut (which is massive and all-powerful) to handle something as clear-cut as this. Plus, the Style Points legal fund is constantly in flux due to CPH’s gender baiting trips to Jezebel. But, enough of that. I’m going to go through my original letter and apologize to Mr. Benson in a detailed and sincere manner.

Dear Mr. Benson (You Pig-Faced Ass Nugget),

That seems a bit strong.

Mr. Benson, you need to know upfront that everyone’s been on pins and needles about the Superdome lease situation and maybe my emotions got the best of me.

Your open threats of moving the Saints to San Antonio or Los Angeles in the wake of Hurricane Katrina are insensitive and greed driven.

Pretty level headed. Maybe it’s not as bad as I recalled.

The request you sent to the State Legislature demanding subsidies left me speechless.

Okay. No problems there.

What kind of bloodsucking albatross, a shit sucking parasite, would try to shoehorn public financing for arena repairs into hurricane relief legislation? I hope you end up garroted in Jackson Square and your corpse is raped and pissed upon by diseased street performers.

Albatross

Uh Oh. Well, where to start? I regret the coarse language. Uncalled for. Honestly, I’m not even sure what an albatross is. It’s a giant bird or something, right? Also, public display of executions is inhumane and insensitive to the deceased and the citizens of the great city of New Orleans. Again, please accept my apology.

Owning an NFL franchise is a license to print money. Considering that you’ve mostly put out a shit product in your 24 years of ownership yet your team’s value has grown at an exponential rate is a testament of the city’s love for their team and something to be truly grateful for.

Valid points I think. Hopefully, all the unsavory things have been accounted for.

Incredible Circumstances

How you could turn around and gut punch a city under these incredible circumstances is beyond my comprehension. I fantasize about beating you with that stupid umbrella you dance around with and leaving you in the street where a Brinks truck or a U-Haul van (oh, delicious irony) mistakes you for a speed bump. I hope you die sad and alone, you big pile of donkey shit.

Best,

Socks

Alright, I crossed a line there. Vehicular manslaughter is nothing to laugh at. Obviously, this letter was written under duress and I’d like you to consider that when reviewing my season ticket renewal application. Again, I’d like to publicly thank you here in the digital pages of Style Points (the 4th most popular sports blog in the world!) for renewing your lease agreement with the Superdome and I look forward to 25 years of great memories.

Also, if it’s not too much trouble, could you drop the restraining order? It’s really fucking up my divorce proceedings. They’re trying to force therapy and anger management classes on me because of the charges. I’m sure you understand. Fuckin’ women, am I right?

Best,

Socks

Starting this weekend, Michael Phelps is going to momentarily halt his bedroom stroking and get back to what has allowed him to have an active (over active?) sex life in the first place. That’s right. He’s going to wear a small bathing suit and appear on television. Oh, and he’s going to show everyone his new ‘stroke.’ Cue the Billy Squier jokes.

This will be his first competitive event since Beijing and he’s apparently earned a bachelor’s in reverse psychology from Rosetta Stone. Says Phelps:

I’m not going to be in my best form. I just want to be able to step up to the block and just perform and be able to race. If I get third, I get third.

Newsflash, Fievel. Bronze medal in the Grand Prix at Charlotte doesn’t pull free weed, stripper threesomes, and endorsement deals. Might want to give it the old college try.

[USA Today]

****Roommate Wanted for 7bed/4 bath Mansion**** (Cobb County, GA)

——————————————————————————————
Reply to: hous-gzcd6-1166439105@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-05-11, 11:57PM EDT

I’m going to be released from lock-up in a few months and I need someone to help with the rent. I’ve got a 7bed/4 bath pad with pool and game room. 420 friendly. Split rent, utilities 50/50. I have an infectious disease but as long as you use Purel and Lysol you should be cool. Pets allowed.

* dogs are OK – wooof
* Location: Cobb County, GA
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1166439105

[Craigslist]