Style Points

As connoisseurs of disingenuous sports patter, we’ve decided to head off the public relations firms and get to the athletes in question first to acquire their excuse laden mea culpas full of self serving rationalization and pettiness.  Doing this week’s honor?  All-World Florida Gators linebacker Brandon Spikes.  This past Saturday, Brandon tried to pop the eyes out of a bitch to, presumably, piss in the bitch’s ocular cavities (RIP Phil Hartman).  Well, he wants to say he’s sorry…sort of.

(Sic’d, of course)

Aye, listen man.  I wasn’t tryin’ to hurt anybody’s eyes.  I’m always scopin’ the media guide to learn shit on our opponents and I saw how that dude Washaun Ealey was talking about how he hated his contact lenses and how expensive them shits was.  So, seeing as we got a muthafuckin’ miracle man on our sidelines I figured I’d do the charitable thing and pop them babies out and get Tebow to work a little of his hocus pocus on his peepers.  Then, during the TV timeout I’d go over to the Georgia sideline and slap em back in his eyeholes.

I mean, can’t a motherfucker pay it forward in this world without gettin’ a ration of shit from every person wit a AOL account?  I try to take the blind man and make him see and instead of getting a Nobel Peace Prize or something I got to sit out a half against Vandy?!  Y’all would never try this shit with Tebow.  Dat dude runs around cutting on baby penises and feeding a bunch of lil’ dirty kids in Bumfuck, Afghanistan or some shit and everyone wants to lose they mind praisin’ that cat.  How about all the times I made donations to them girls tryin’ to work their way through nursing school at Tiffany’s Entertainment and Black Satin Gentlemen’s Club?  How about how I drove Coach Urban home from Black Spring Break so he wouldn’t get a DUI and constantly cover for him with his old lady?  You really think he spends all that time watching film, Nancy?  Sheeeeiiiiittt.  That boy been in more Gainesville ass than Victoria’s Secret.

Naw, yall just want to hate on B Spikes.  Fine.  I don’t gives a fuck.  So, I’m sorry for tryin’ to pluck dude’s eyes out.  Actually, scratch that.  I’m sorry I got caught trying to claw his eyes out.  My apologies.

Sincerely,

Brandon Spikes

p.s. – fuck Youtube