Style Points

Gregg Doyel, Is That You?

As most of you not currently incarcerated in Maximum Security Prison are probably unaware, Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) returns to primetime this Saturday night as someone named “Fedor” will revel in all his lowest common denominator glory on something called “StrikeForce.” To gain a better perspective on this curious spectacle and those who support it, Style Points has arranged for an interview with a guy who is way too into MMA to enlighten you all about the sport and its growing popularity.

SP: So, let’s get this started. As an MMA aficionado -

MMA Fan: Officially a what now?

SP: Oh, sorry. As an MMA enthusiast -

MMA Fan: Nah brah, I’m Catholic.

SP: Sigh. Okay, as an MMA supporter -

MMA Fan: Hm that sounds like it should mean something to me, but…

SP: Jesus. Okay, you’re a fan of MMA, yes?

MMA Fan: Fan? Hell yeah brah! I never miss an event. I even named my first son “Lil Randy Couture,” though that may have been a mistake since that little kindergarten bitch can’t throw a right cross for shit. I’m pretty sure my whore of an ex-wife isn’t giving him his steroids like I instructed her to. His balls are still way too big. I’m sorry, what was the question?

SP: Wow. Anyways, how would you explain the popularity of mixed martial arts? What draws you to this sport, as opposed to other, less violent games? In short, why do you love MMA?

MMA Fan: Sorry dude but I’m wearing long pants. I mean if somebody had told me…

SP: Alright, I walked right into that one. Just tell me what you love about Mixed Martial Arts.

MMA Fan: Everything, brah! The excitement! The energy! Tell me where you can see such athleticism on display in any other pansy sport!

SP: Basketball?

MMA Fan: Basketball is for poor people and Democrats, brah. Have you seen these fights? Bloodlust! Seriously, where else could you see such an impressive combination of strength and speed?

SP: Well, the NFL immediately comes to mind.

MMA Fan: The NFL? What is this, 1966? Why don’t we all just turn off our electricity and watch the games by candle light while we’re at it? This is MMA time, brah!

SP: I don’t even know where to start with that one. Let’s change gears. As such a fan of this newly popular sport, can you tell our readers what your first MMA memory is?

MMA Fan: I’d have to say it was when I was about 6 years old. My dad come one night drunker than hell and forced me to watch him kick my mom’s ass all over the place, screaming and cursing about what a life he’d lost and how we were all just human weights dragging him further and further into a living hell. I spent the next three weeks living in Neighborhood dog-houses and developed a nasty meth habit. I’d say it was right about then that I knew MMA was for me.

SP: Wow, even discounting the fact that MMA was not around when you were 6, that’s a horrible, horrible story. What can you tell us about this supposed superstar Fedor Emelianko and his upcoming fight on Saturday night? What are real MMA fans watching for?

MMA Fan: Fedor man, he’s this awesome foreigner guy. Not a foreigner like Mexicans or Blacks, but a cool foreigner, you know? I think he’s from wherever Borat is from. Dude, Borat! I will look on your treasures gypsy, is this understood? This suit is black not! Shit gets me every time! Borat! Hahahaha.

SP: You know, this is suddenly all making a lot of sense. Back to my question though, what is so special about Fedor? What separates him from all the other MMA fighters on the planet?

MMA Fan: Seriously? The dude has his own shirt! This isn’t rocket science, brah. He beat up on all kinds of competition over in Asia or whatever and he’s legit! All my MMA magazines told me so. I’ve only actually seen one or two of his fights because people speaking something other than English scares me, but trust, Fedor is for real. Feeeeedooooooooooooor.

SP: Okay, we’re running out of time, but before we go there is something our readers are dying to know: what do you do in your free time when you’re not watching/rambling about/forcing others to watch/jacking off to/crying to/or otherwise impersonating MMA? What are your hobbies?

MMA Fan: Oh you know, simple stuff, just like anyone else. I love to go down to the local elementary school playground and compare cock sizes with children. Mine is almost always the biggest unless that bastard Jerry is around, but that’s not even fair because he’s like 13 and only still in the school because he burned his last one down. I like to yell aggressively at passers by, and show off my awesome rear-chokehold technique when ever possible – at a party, in a bar, at the library, it don’t matter. Chicks really dig that. I also spend a lot of time having restraining orders filed against me and making my own home-made Red Bull. Otherwise I like to record video of myself killing small animals and then later synch it up to Metallica’s Black Album, intimidate minorities from voting, and comment frequently at AOL’s FanHouse. Real American stuff, you know?

SP: Yeah I’m just going to pretend I blacked out for a minute and didn’t catch any of that. Fortunately, we only have time for one more question, so please give us your prediction for this Saturday night. Does Fedor take it all? And will MMA be on primetime for years to come?

MMA Fan: My prediction? Pain. Hahaha, see what I did there? Pain. Ain’t nothing funnier than that. But yeah, Feeeeeeedoooooor is going to run wild all over this shit man. I expect a vicious, bloody knockout so early into the fight that the television viewers who did decide to give MMA a chance will barely have time to gain an appreciation for the athleticism and toughness on display before it’s over and Gus Johnson is yelling like a damn hyena and everyone forgets why this was supposed to be such a big deal in the first place, thereby rendering the inordinate amounts of hype previously thrown onto the event useless and a waste of money. Meatheads like me will keep rambling on about MMA constantly and violently while the rest of the population remains alienated enough to the point that they don’t feel comfortable aligning themselves with mixed martial arts in any way, even though they do respect the physical discipline and competitive spirit required. So really, things will stay the same. Hey man, you wanna see a chokehold?