Style Points

It was reported this week that our old pal and confidant, Ron Artest, has been seeing a sports psychologist. Ron’s open-mindedness and complete lack of understanding in regards to doctor-patient confidentiality privileges made it possible for us to accompany him to a recent session.  This is our account.

We arrived at a very posh Beverly Hills home. We were surprisingly (to me) greeted by Phil Jackson. He led us to his dog kennel in the backyard. We entered and Ron sat down with his ‘therapist.’

Dr. Wigglepants

Phil Jackson: (noting my quizzical look)  Listen, Ron is so far out there that he has no idea he’s talking to a dog in a hat.  Tex Winter turned me onto this.  He once got Rodman to confide his darkest secrets to a lawn gnome.

Style Points: Interesting.

Phil: Ron, I’ll leave you guys alone.  See you at practice this afternoon.

Ron Artest: Cool, coach.  Can I wear my Boba Fett costume to practice?  It’s almost Halloween.

Phil: (sighs)  That’s fine, Ron.

Ron: Alright Dr. Wigglepants, what you wanna talk about?

Dr. Wigglepants: (looks confused, yawns)

Ron: Man, I’m tired of talking about The Da Vinci Code!  That movie was bullshit!  How Forrest Gump gonna figure out a bunch of puzzles and shit?

Dr. Wigglepants: (cocks head, licks paw)

Ron: That movie was directed by Juwan Howard?!

Dr. Wigglepants: (barks)

Ron: Oh, Ron Howard.  I gotcha.  Anyways, you said that movie would change my outlook about religion and the importance of women throughout history.  It just showed me that even Jesus had to deal with gold diggers and baby mamas back in the day.  Dude was like the Shawn Kemp of bible times.

Dr. Wigglepants: (covers face with paws)

Ron: Whatever.  I’m just tryin’ to say that I ain’t hearing all that talk about Mary Magda-whatever.  She was triflin’.  I bet she was creeping with the Apostles and blowing Jesus’s loot down at the sandal store.

Dr. Wigglepants: (licks nuts, sneezes)

Ron: Man, this ain’t got nothing to do with Kobe.  Me and him are cool.  We go together like machine guns and peanut butter.

Dr. Wigglepants: (growls)

Ron: That analogy does make sense!

Dr. Wigglepants: (scratches self)

Ron: Listen, you can’t talk about my momma that way.  I’m trying to get my temper under control and you constantly pushing my buttons.  What if I called yo’ momma  a bitch?

Dr. Wigglepants: (licks nose)

Ron: What you mean your momma IS a bitch?!

Dr. Wigglepants: (humps chew toy)

Ron: Man, I can’t sit here all day arguing about this shit.  I gotta get to practice and I have to call Harrison Ford to see if I can freeze him like on Empire Strikes Back so I can take him out trick or treatin’ this year.  How much I owe you for today?

Dr. Wigglepants: (rolls over on back)

Ron: Fine.  (peels off a c-note)  See you tomorrow, Doc.