Style Points

With Andre Agassi recently revealing in his autobiography that he was tweaked out on crystal meth for most of the 80’s, we called up the Style Points investigative crew to interview every single professional athlete in the country until we found something interesting. Five responded.

Joe Montana: “Remember one of those Super Bowls? Fuck if I knew which one, my memory’s about as useful as a boobie surgeon with Parkinson’s Disease. Well I was talkin’ to my good friend Robbie Kennedy and he suggested I pop a few quaaludes to quell the nerves. Who knew that shit put everything in slow motion? My decision making skills were impeccable cause I had half an hour to scan the field. You know how I spotted John Candy in the huddle? It’s because TV timeouts left me so bored to death I had nothing better to do. I’m pretty sure I was mapping algorithmic equations at one point. I also spotted Burt Reynolds takin’ a leak on the 9er cheerleaders, Goldie Hawn’s stunt double and Redd Foxx passed out next to 14 Bud Lites and a corn of can. Plus there was two rats humpin’ on a chicken cheesesteak. That last one was my second option. Shoulda gone with that in retrospect.”

Eat your heart out, George Foreman.

Earl Campbell: “Angeldust before every game. I’m the original Beast Mode. If that Marshawn fella does all that runnin’ into fat people straight, he don’t belong in the NFL, he got to become a professional bear fighter. Good money in that. Man, I was Sampson without the grimy hair. The best part was the PCP turned ‘em all into a bunch of ballerina smurfs. Took everything I had not to whip out my dick and get wacky with ‘em. Did that after the game though. I played 118 games in my career. Went to town on 6 after every game. You do the math. Probably ate 4 of ‘em. Human lungs taste like Canadian bacon. Don’t know why more players ain’t on the shit. It can turn a 10 year old lookin’ pussyman into a full fledged Siberian Tiger (looks at Shakey). Say, wanna dominate your badminton league or whatever pansy shit you dragon people do? Get at me. Now don’t be printin’ any of this, alright? Crazy stuff when you’re on the dust. Fuck a plaque, get my crack pipe in the hall of fame.”
Nate Newton: “I’ve never told anyone this, but… this one time… I smoked marijuana. It was in the 7th grade. Jenny Rickenbacker was givin’ two dollar blowies on the swing set. It’s quite an experience, lemme tell you. Anyway, she said if I shared this little cigarette thing with her she’d do it for free. I still can’t quite figure out how that made any sense economically wise. Anyway, I took a little puff and threw up all over her blouse. Turns out I had the bat flu and she died three weeks later.”
Curt Schilling: “One time, I was really really sick, and I took 3 Dayquil, when the box CLEARLY said to only take 2. You can find out more titillating and revealing stories in my coming autobiography, CURT SCHILLING: BLOOD ON THE SOCK: A LEGEND AND THE WORDS HE WRITES ABOUT HIMSELF: AN AUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY.”

I SEE THE CRACK PARTY!!!!!!

Mookie Wilson: “Yo, you know anybody with a nose they can spare? Mine…yeah.”