Style Points

Our dear friend, John Daly, made a very generous offer.  Earlier in the week, John released a photo of himself in the heat of an intense workout.  Intrigued, we contacted him about possibly sharing the details of his regimen with some impressionable youths in attempt to fulfill our court ordered community service.  Not only did he accept, he allowed us to tag along and document the event.  So we return to North Gulfport Junior High in Gulfport, MS and shave a couple hours off of this debt to society (coyote/human trafficking).

John enters the classroom to hearty applause.

John Daly: Hey, gang!  It’s great to be here today.  My friends at Style Points asked me to come down here and share my workout and health tips with you guys.  So, let’s get this…

[John notices the teacher out of the corner of his eye]

…well, well, well.  What do we have here?  What’s your name sweetheart?

Teacher: [blushing]  Oh, my.  Um, it’s Ms. Davis.

JD: Hot damn, girl.  You’re a looker.  I’d bite you on the ass and pray for lockjaw.

Teacher: Oh, Mr. Daly.  That is really not appropri…

JD: Shush it, sweetcakes and don’t call me “Mr. Daly.”  I’m JD, baby!  So where was I?  Alright, who likes to exercise?

[kids all answer in the affirmative]

JD: Good!  It’s important to do the right kind of exercises though.  An important part of your body to strengthen is your biceps.  Chicks might let a scrawny-armed pussy take ‘em to the dance but you can forget about them letting you have a look-see at the ol’ ax wound if you ain’t got a set of pythons on you.

Student: Mr. Daly, what’s an ax wound?

JD: Oh, uh, her snatch.  You know, the yawning goat.

Ms. Davis: Mr. Daly!

JD: Pipe down, honey.  Now, check out these guns.

[pulls sleeve up on Wine 'Em, Dine 'Em, 69 'Em t-shirt]

These babies are as solid as an oak fence post.  Ms. Davis should jump up there and crow a little bit.

[students laugh, Ms. Davis blushes]

I got these babies by doing low weight/high rep curls.  16oz. at a time. [pulls Schlitz from gym bag/starts chugging]

Ms. Davis: You can’t drink beer in here, Mr. D…uh, I mean, JD.

JD: Alright, fine.  Let’s talk a little nutrition.  Who drinks sodas?

[all the students raise their hands]

Well, that’s no good.  If you want soda you gotta go the diet route.  Save your calories for buffets and whatnot.  A great way to actually lose weight while drinking diet soda is to slip in some additives.

[pulls pint out of ass pocket/pops lid off McDonald's cup]

[singing]

Me JD

Me play joke

Me put rum in my coke

With a dime sack

Whore shack

Give a gal a bone

This ol’ duffer came rollin’ home

Okay, you just toss a little Bacardi 151 in there with your Diet Coke and BAM!  Sweat just starts pourin’ down your forehead.  That’s fat rollin’ right off of ya!

Ms. Davis: Gimme that!

JD: Yeah, pass it around.  Let the kids get a pull on it.

Ms. Davis: Enough of this drinking!  Can you show the kids some physical activities they can actually use?!

JD: Sure thing, honey.

[takes cigarette out from behind ear/pushes play on boombox/ ZZ Top's 'Tube Snake Boogie' plays]

Time for some cardio.  Who likes to dance?

[most of the kids raise their hand]

Good.  Get up and let’s do a little grindin’.

[grabs Ms. Davis by the wrist]

C’mere girl and shine my belt buckle.

[begins grinding his crotch into Ms. Davis' hip]

Hell yeah.  Work it, girl.  Not too close kids.  Don’t won’t any of these boys poppin’ boners in here.  They ain’t used to taming 14 year old wildcats like ol’ JD.

[sings]

I got a girl, she lives on the hill.

She wont do it but her sister will,

[takes drag on cigarette]

When she boogie,

She do the tube snake boogie.

JD: Hot damn, Ms. Davis.  Whatcha say we go back to my place, put a plastic sheet on the mattress, break out the baby oil and do the boar hog grind?

[Ms. Davis winks at JD, sips his rum and coke]

JD: Alright gang, me and Ms. Davis are outta here.  Going to go show her where a horse bit me.  Good luck with your workouts!

[student lights fire in trash can]