Style Points

A scale model of Target Field

The Cleveland Plain Dealer reported yesterday that the new Minnesota Twins stadium will have heated coils placed beneath the playing surface in order to ensure that the infield and outfield grass will be in fine condition come spring. This may seem like a rather practical feature, but Style Points has discovered other new technological advancements found at Target Field that put the entire endeavor in a different light.

The new field, which seats forty thousand, has 942 luxury boxes and a trans-dimensional portal used to transport many of the failed veteran signings between the clubhouse and Dimension AAA. In addition, there are several player specific features designed to increase the team’s homefield advantage. American League Central teams are already making complaints to league officials about potential cheating. They appear to be most concerned that their players could be physically hurt by some of the more idiosyncratic aspects of the new ballpark.

Accusations of cheating aren’t new to the franchise, as some believe they would turn the ventilation system on and off in the Metrodome as a means to manufacture home runs for the Twins and stifle the home run output of opponents. The team has flatly denied such claims.

Although anyone who has seen him play thinks that the Twins should simply give up on former number one overall pick Delmon Young, they have instead decided to tailor part of their new ballpark to his unique skill-set. In a brilliant move the team has placed an intricate series of landmines under left field. Good defensive left fielders will have little ability to avoid injury as only the most indirect path to a ball will ensure perfect safety. It remains unclear if Young has been deliberately practicing such routes these past two years in preparation for the new stadium.

A typical Delmon Young route

While that rumor has yet to be substantiated, several former employees of the company constructing the stadium have independently verified that a cryogenic freezer has been installed to reduce the aging process of star catcher Joe Mauer. This would allow him to maintain his superb swing and youthful good looks which help to draw in adolescent female fans. Mauer’s freezer is said to be placed next to that of late-owner Carl Pohlad. However, a source within the organization claims that Pohlad is not in fact dead, but was simply stripped of his body. Reduced to a brain-like form he is now using a large powerful mechanical exosuit to ensure the team doesn’t go over payroll.

Carl Pohlad looking better than ever

The Minneapolis Star Tribune is also reporting that for the past decade the Twins have attempted to create an army of Mauers through the use of human cloning technology. Unfortunately, the machine has never been fully functional and, as a result, has only been able to produce light-hitting middle infields that Ron Gardenhire will inevitably bat second.

Just as effective as Alexi Casilla

Environmental groups are worried that several of these additions are energy intensive, but Twins owner Jim Pohlad made it clear that the team would do everything within its power to be carbon neutral. One way they are expected to lower their footprint, and still keep their homefield advantage, is by turning off all lasers and weaponry whenever the Kansas City Royals come to town.

The team recently issued a press release stating that they have developed a device which allows for them to control certain aspects of the weather, namely the wind, in order to utilize a wind turbine system to power parts of the stadium to offset fossil fuel usage. This announcement has sparked a renewed round of accusations that the team will use their ability to control the wind much in the same way they have been accused of using the ventilation system at the Metrodome. When reached to comment on the issue Pohlad replied, “Mwahahahahaha.”