Style Points

We here at Style Points normally live on the cutting edge. Today, and for the next few weeks, we’ll be roadtrippin’ over to Copycatville where we’ll be previewing all 32 NFL teams for you. Try to contain your excitement. On tap for today? That team that won a game last night, the Steelers.

The Steelers come into this season in enviable shape; not only did they claim the Super Bowl earlier this year, but they negotiated the offseason without major personnel losses. However, an unexpected misfortune struck them this week just before they were set to kick off their title defence against the Tennessee Titans. The Super Bowl win brought the Steelers to the attention of the Federal Trade Commission, which found that many of the team’s players had rather unique nicknames. As the majority of these nicknames were not factual, the commission ruled that the Steelers must conform to Truth in Advertising standards and replace these players with the objects they’re named after. Will these changes help the Steelers or hurt them? Find out below.

Player: “Big Ben” Roethlisberger, quarterback:

Replacement: Big Ben, bell, Westminster Clock Tower

Advantages: Clock tower has more height than Roethlisberger. Will be able to withstand hits from defensive linemen without being concussed. Unlikely to ride motorcycles or be accused of rape (although you never know!).

Disadvantages: The clock tower isn’t seen as a vocal leader in the dressing room. In fact, it’s too big to even fit into the Steelers’ dressing room, which poses problems. It lacks a strong arm; well, actually, it completely lacks arms. It’s also slightly less mobile than Roethlisberger. Moreover, air travel is difficult if not impossible for it. The NFL has decided to spin this into a positive way to help grow its overseas fanbase, though; every Steelers game this season has been relocated to Westminster Abbey, which will be bulldozed (except for the clock tower) to make way for a massive new stadium. Additionally, all souvenir T-shirts, postcards and coffee mugs with pictures of the clock tower on them now can only be issued by the NFL, which has opened up entirely new avenues of merchandising for the league.

Player: Frank “The Tank” Summers, running back

Replacement: A M1A1 Abrams tank.

Advantages: Summers is a highly-touted running back who weighs in at 230 pounds and can use size to his advantage. However, the M1A1 weighs 67 tons more than him. Also, Summers has also been praised for his “high motor”, but it’s not as high as the Abrams’ 1500-horsepower AGT-1500 turbine engine. The M1A1’s 120mm main gun and array of .50 calibre and 7.62mm machine guns will also help it force its way through the line, and its top-end speed of 67.72 kilometers per hour (42 miles/hour for you fools who don’t understand the metric system) will help it evade pursuing linebackers. Moreover, they’ll have a tough time bringing it down; with a length of 9.78 metres (31.75 feet) and a width of 3.66 metres (12 feet), it will be difficult to wrap up.

Disadvantages: The Abrams is often known for its cool and detached demeanour, but it can sometimes overheat during battle. The combination makes it difficult for teammates to get along with. Also, it carries a cap hit of $4.3 million, over ten times more than Summers’ rookie salary and its cap hit of $310,000.

Player: James “Deebo” Harrison, linebacker

Replacement: Tom Lister, Jr., who played “Deebo” in the movie “Friday”

Advantages: Lister was pretty badass as Deebo. He also played a Klingon, Klaang, in Star Trek: Enterprise, so he can be pretty tough. He also shares a name with Dave Lister of Red Dwarf fame, which is reasonably cool.

Disadvantages: Lister’s 51, so he’s a bit past his prime. He’s also blind in his right eye, which might make it difficult for him to track down quarterbacks or receivers, and I’ve heard his 40 time isn’t all that good. Harrison’s a threat rushing the passer or dropping back into coverage, as he showed in the Super Bowl. Replacing the Defensive Player Of The Year would be a challenging task for anyone, but it might prove a even more difficult order for a half-blind actor in his fifties, regardless of how tough he is.

Player: James “Potsie” Farrior, linebacker

Replacement: Anson Williams, who played Warren “Potsie” Weber on Happy Days

Advantages: Potsie was pretty smart, and he did manage to last the entire length of the show, which is quite impressive.

Disadvantages: Potsie was so unathletic that the show had a running sideplot featuring his inability to play basketball, which doesn’t bode well for his success on the football field. Moreover, Williams is 59, so it will be difficult for him to replace Farrior’s run-stopping prowess and ability to roam sideline to sideline in coverage and. Still, he might entertain the team with his singing.

Player: Casey “Big Snack” Hampton, nose tackle

Replacement: A giant Cadbury Dairy Milk bar

Advantages: Well, the chocolate bar will have a sizeably smaller cap hit than Hampton’s $6.52 million, the second-highest figure on the club. It will also be cheaper to feed.

Disadvantages: Unlike Hampton, frequently regarded as one of the best 3-4 nose tackles in the game, the Cadbury bar may melt under pressure. It’s also noticeably smaller and won’t be able to stand up against opposing offensive lines.

Player: Stefan “Joystick” Logan, kick returner

Replacement: The Logitech Wingman Interceptor joystick

Advantages: The Wingman Interceptor is an excellent joystick, and one I used for many years in quality games such as TIE Fighter and X-Wing Alliance. It responds quickly to movement, and allows for jukes and rapid turns, which should be useful in evading coverage. It also can pull off loops and barrel rolls, never before seen on kick returns.

Disadvantages: Logan may be relatively small (5′7”, 185 pounds), but he’s got a lot of size on the Interceptor. As he proved with the CFL’s B.C. Lions, he’s also got plenty of speed, acceleration and maneuverability that he can put to good use as a returner, receiver or running back. He’s a superior blocker to the Interceptor and has a good set of hands; it lacks hands altogether, which may be a problem.

Perhaps it’s a good thing the FTC stepped in. The Steelers should be set for another strong season this year, and perhaps even a title defence. The additions of the likes of Logan, Summers and Rashard Mendenhall to what was already an excellent team bode well for their future. There are still plenty of areas of concern, including the offensive line, and they’ll face renewed challenges from AFC rivals such as the Patriots, Colts and Ravens, but the omens were auspicious for this Steelers team. Of course, they already have more Super Bowl rings than anyone else, so winning another one so quickly might lead to suspicions of antitrust; everyone else has to be allowed to compete fairly. With the losses of Roethlisberger, Harrison and the rest, the Steelers should be easily dethroned. Now if only the FTC would do something about that league trying to buy its own team in Phoenix to keep it out of the hands of this guy…