Style Points

Former Falcons, Colts, Browns, Jaguars, Packers, Chiefs, and Raiders wide receiver Andre Rison recently stumbled back into our lives after being featured in an article in the Altoona Mirror.  Andre made several interesting statements but the one that grabbed our attention was:

“I was the best to ever play the game.” Rison said.

We here at Style Points have many things in common with Mr. Rison including a healthy, positive opinion of ourselves and also having our McMansion burned down by our celebrity girlfriend (damn you, Kathy Bates).  So in an effort to see what makes this titan of the gridiron tick we asked Mr. Rison to document a day in the life of the greatest football player who’s ever lived.

12:00am – Just got in from a charity auction.  I donated a few autographed items.  A guy named Clark Watson got the deal of a lifetime on my cleats from the Super Bowl.  40 dollars?!  You couldn’t buy ‘em new in the store for that!  Imagine getting a game worn item from one of the greatest athletes of the last 50 years for 60 bucks below retail…the economy is fucked up, man.

1:00am – Checking my twitter account.  338 followers.  following 455.  I feel like I should have more followers.  I know I’d be interested in what an era defining athlete was up to.  Honestly, I think my tweets are borderline literature.  Like not even Mark Twain couldn’t come up with this stuff.  For instance:  andredagiantest – Found a clip of my Super Bowl touchdown on youtube.  Breathtaking.

See?

2:00am – Been refreshing my Twitter page for awhile.  Got 2 more followers.  Got to test all the smoke alarms, then I’m turning in.  Take’s a lot of rest to be the best.

11:00am – Wake up.  Man, I overslept.  I’ve got SO much to do today.  Check messages on Blackberry.  One message from my brother.  Says he’s having trouble cashing the check I gave him for doing a few things around the house.  It’s probably because my signature is so exotic and creative.  I really think my autograph is Top Five in the alltime greatest signatures conversation.  Like, they should let me sign the Constitution and shit.

12:00pm – Get a shower and then grab a quick breakfast.  Bagel and OJ.  You’ve never had orange juice as good as this.  I import Sunny Delight directly from the distributor because you can’t beat it when it’s fresh.  Accept no substitutes, my friend.

2:00pm – Make a few phone calls.  Leave a message with my agent.  I haven’t heard from him in some time.  I’m trying to get on Dancing With the Stars since so many inferior athletes have been on that show.  Honestly, Jerry Rice couldn’t carry my jock on the field and he damn sure can’t on the dance floor, either.

3:00pm – Check the play count on my Super Bowl YouTube video.  Only eight plays in the last 11 hours?  How is that possible?!  There’s videos of cats snoring that have more views.  I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that America won’t come to grips with my talent until after I die like so many other cultural luminaries namely, Michael Jackson, MLK, JFK, and Gandhi.

5:00pm – Just dozed off waiting for the mail to run.  Hopefully my pension check came today.  It’s a nice supplement to my endorsement income.  I currently have some nice deals with Chevy of Alpharetta and Arab Dave’s Flooring Liquidation Outlet.  The Cabbage Town swap meet is in talks for a radio spot.  Ballin’, baby.

7:00pm – My mom dropped by with a plate of her famous red beans and rice.  They’re really good but I got to say mine are better.  That’s no slight on her because I might be the greatest creole chef in the Western Hemisphere.  Everything Paul Prudhomme has done in his career can be traced back to my kitchen.  Don’t even get me started on that fraud, Emeril.

9:00pm – Tried to go to the gentlemen’s club but I left when they wouldn’t rope off a VIP section for me.  THEN, they started giving me heat about not tipping the dancers.  BITCH, I AM A CELEBRITY!  REGULAR PEOPLE RULES DON’T APPLY TO ME!

11:00pm – Watched some shows from the NFL Channel on Tivo.  They didn’t mention me, unfortunately, but I must say no one can time the fast forwards and rewinds like me.  It’s like the Matrix or something because it feels like I’m slowing time down with my mind.  It’d blow your mind to see it.

11:59pm – Check email.  Spam, spam, spam.  Check my homepage to see if anyone signed up for my youth football camp.  12 people.  Sonofa…

Check Twitter.  Lost 3 followers.  How?  WHY?!  I haven’t even tweeted anything today.  I wonder if you can figure out who unfollowed you….nope.  Dammit.  Check Youtube clip.  18 plays today.  Hell I watched it 3 times after lunch.  This is horseshit.  This….is no way for a the greatest football player of all-time to live….