Style Points

Yes, it seems that President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the Midsummer Classic.  The only thing left to be revealed is who is going to be pissed about this and why.  Here’s the part where we speculate.

1.  Republican Commentators – Obviously.  If he throws a strike, I’m sure at least one of them will point out that Crash Davis considered strikeouts to be fascist.  My money is on Rush.  Though I bet Ann Coulter wishes Obama would throw something at her catcher’s mitt.  Yes, that’s a gross vagina joke.

2.  PETA – It’s even money that they’ll release a press release this week demanding that the President use a ball made with synthetic leather and a catcher’s mitt rendered from recycled water bottles or they’ll protest.  Hopefully, they’ll send the chicks with the lettuce bikinis.

3.  Gay bashers – Baseball has always had a lot of homoeroticism.  Declaring martial law against ass slaps and crotch adjusting may seem a little rash but these people never claimed to be rational, now did they?  I’m sure they’d appreciate it if the players were forced to dress at their hotel so grown men wouldn’t have to be subjected to bare man ass and the sneaky allure of the jock strap.

4.  Immigration wackos – Everyone knows Latin players are taking over the game and the xenophobes have had enough.  Obama must declare that no Latin players can play in the game without denouncing their home country, successfully attaining citizenship, and enrolling full-time in the Marines.  If not, rich white people will band together to mow their own lawns.  This will last until it’s time to mow the lawn again, then fuck that shit because it’s as hot as two rats humping in a wool sock outside.

5.  Environmentalists – The bats are made from wood, right?  At least one of those hippie bastards will try to climb the bat rack and keep the players from getting a bat unless Obama signs legislation forcing Louisville Slugger to switch to wiffle ball bats and balls.  In which case, I will be one rich dude.  I am virtually unhittable when pitching a wiffle ball.  Recognize.

So, did I miss anyone?