Saberhagendaaz
Shakεy
Business_Socks
ClintonPortisheadFiled under: Contributors, Karlifornia | Tags: Alexxxa, Athlete Phone Sex Transcripts, Cornelius Bagley the Third, Gorgeous Birds, Karlifornia, Ron Artest, Simplex X
Deadspin commenter Karlifornia has agreed to become a contributor for this fine site. Here’s his first foray into Style Points literature.
Cheerio, everyone. My name is Cornelius Bagley the Third. Let me indulge all of you with the fanciful tale of “CB-3″. I had a privileged childhood, culminating with a legacy entrance into Oxford University. I earned my degree in 4 months, the result of superior secondary schooling. I immigrated to America 22 years ago to work as a stockbroker. Possessing a vast knowledge of the inner workings of international finance, I quickly ascended the Wall Street ladder. I unfortunately could not overcome my addiction to what the proletariat refers to as “the common street whore”. I contracted a rare strain of herpes known only as “Simplex X”. It left me with ghastly sores all over my body and face. I was subsequently blackballed from Wall Street, and forced to find a lesser occupation.
That occupation I found was managing a phone sex company. I will now share with you the transcript of a call from a professional athlete by the name of Ron Artest. The thespian is a gorgeous bird that goes by the nom de phone sex of “Alexxxa”. (more…)
Filed under: Business_Socks | Tags: Jackson Square, Katrina, retractions, saints, Superdome, the fucks an albatross?, Tom Benson
Here at Style Points we occasionally have to run a retraction because of inaccuracies or unfortunate and uncomfortable situations. This is one of those uncomfortable situations.
I’ve never been a fan of apologies generated by PR firms. They always seem vaguely written and insincere. Also, I don’t want to summon the Style Points legal juggernaut (which is massive and all-powerful) to handle something as clear-cut as this. Plus, the Style Points legal fund is constantly in flux due to CPH’s gender baiting trips to Jezebel. But, enough of that. I’m going to go through my original letter and apologize to Mr. Benson in a detailed and sincere manner.
(more…)
Filed under: ClintonPortishead | Tags: anachronistic humor, bear-children, editorial, oldtimey assholery, pillow biters, slander on the state of maine, still a better guy than barry bonds, things that will get us sued by the cobb estate, ty cobb, ty cobb on gay marriage
The Georgia Peach
Every so often, we here at Style Points are lucky enough to feature a guest editorial from a famous figure on a relevant topic. This week, Ty Cobb addresses the controversy surrounding gay marriage. Please send any questions, comments, or concerns to his grave.
Ty Cobb here, the Georgia Peach. I understand there’s a controversy a-brewin’ about gays getting married? Poppycock! Why, I remember when I found out we had us a gay on the Aught-Six Tigers club like it was yesterday. I had just gone 5 for 6 with 4 three-baggers off of Gentleman Jim Johnson and the Altoona Travelin’ Salesmen, and I was back in the showers washing all the dirt and tibia pieces out of my cleats. There was this tall drink of water named Emmett Abrams, who we’d just called up from the Saginaw Straightshooters (we were short-manned on account of yours truly having busted our last shortstop’s eye socket with a can of Dapper Dan for glancin’ at me funny).
(more…)
Filed under: Shakey | Tags: How it Happened, Milton Bradley, Shamu, Dead Shamu, Crazed Souls, devour sea lions and walrus, murderize, waste of nature, all growd up, Shakey, Style Points, Club that whale
Insane Major League Baseball Player Milton Bradley was once a child like you and me. We at Style Points have decided it is our duty to uncover seminal moments in intriguing athletes’ life and share them with the world. This here is the tale of a young Milton Bradley. *Everything in this post should be regarded as factual and by no means should be taken as fiction.
Filed under: Business_Socks | Tags: Clarence Carter, Michael Phelps, speedos, strippers, strokin', weed
Starting this weekend, Michael Phelps is going to momentarily halt his bedroom stroking and get back to what has allowed him to have an active (over active?) sex life in the first place. That’s right. He’s going to wear a small bathing suit and appear on television. Oh, and he’s going to show everyone his new ‘stroke.’ Cue the Billy Squier jokes.
(more…)
Filed under: Business_Socks | Tags: 420, Craigslist, Cripples, Dogfighting, Gays, Herpes, Michael Vick
****Roommate Wanted for 7bed/4 bath Mansion**** (Cobb County, GA)
(more…)
Filed under: Saberhagendaaz | Tags: Gumball Machines, House, Manny Ramirez, Nightmare Fuel, Putt-putt, Scott Boras, Tumors
[Pasadena, CA: MANNY RAMIREZ is floating in his pool, wearing water-wings. Nearby, construction workers are laying concrete for 9-hole putt-putt course.]
MANNY [arms thrashing, starting to panic]: Manny camping! Manny camping!
(more…)
Filed under: Shakey | Tags: ball in hole, Eldrick, Fukok, How it Happened, improbable racial combination, robot Tiger Woods, Shittiest band in the world, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods abducted by aliens, Zoltorg
Everyone knows Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the universe. But no one ever asks why? His black-thai blood is the most improbable racial combination to ever hit the world of golf. So I’m here to uncover the real reason Tiger has an otherworldly ability to hit a ball into a hole. You really think it was his dad’s tutorials? This post is based upon cold hard facts and should never ever be questioned under any circumstances. If you do, I’ll send my Mexican friend Zoltorg after you. (more…)
Filed under: Business_Socks | Tags: Al Green, Cannibal Corpses, Crotch Kicks, Electric Slide, Injuries, Power Poll, Rajon Rondo
10. Caning – Very early 90′s. It’d be great to see the opposing coach holding a stick of bamboo on the sideline waiting for Rondo to get close enough for a shot across the calves.
(more…)
Filed under: ClintonPortishead | Tags: body snarking, bumfights, contagious diseases, Cool Runnings, dudes who eat snakes, fuck the DMV, hypothetical blowjobs, Lyle Lovett, mailbag, Mayan Doomsday 2012, michael vick career counseling, poorly thought out movie premises, zombie defense
Welcome to the Style Points mailbag, where the festering questions of our ever-growing readership are met with derision, flatulence, and occasional humor. If you have a question that you’d like answered with style (or can figure out how to make our dicks bigger), please email us at stylepointsblog@gmail.com. On to the answers!
(more…)
