Style Points

Today’s contributor is Chuck Knoblockhead [#8 on the Deadspin Commenter Big Board, bitches]. He usually whores his wares over at The Rookies, but today he agreed to hockey up Style Points and bless us with his humble prose.

Take it away, asscake!

[In his mansion in Chicago, Patrick Kane is on his death bed]

Rosebud

[Snow Globe crashes to the floor]

Legendary was Xanadu where Kubla Khan decreed his stately pleasure dome. Today, not nearly as legendary, but pretty sweet in its own right is Illinois’s Xanadu, the Midwest’s largest pleasure ground. Contents of Xanadu’s palace: sex toys, homoerotic Greek statutes, and Central Division Runner-Up Ribbons. A collection of everything so big it can never be catalogued or appraised. In Xanadu last week, its landlord was laid to rest, a potent figure of our century, America’s Kubla Khan – Patrick Foster Kane.

Famed in American legend is the story behind the man.

Born to a Buffalo area stripper named Kandy in 1988, Patrick was taken away as a young boy to live with former NHLer Pat Verbeek so that he could concentrate on hockey.

[Patrick is gleefully playing with other boys outside in the snow]

Kandy: Be careful Patrick. Pull your muffler around your neck Patrick.

Pat Verbeek: We must be going Kandy.

Kandy: I’ll sign those papers now. I’m just afraid that without a strong male influence he’ll yearn for the affection of older men. Patrick has already shown an unnatural attraction towards other boys.

Verbeek: If using words like muffler doesn’t straighten him out, living with me and spending all his time with other virile young men should do the trick.

At the age of eighteen Kane entered the NHL. There he flourished, continually appearing amongst the league leaders in points, assists and votes for NHL Heartthrob. Finally, in his seventh season, Kane’s Blackhawks reached the Stanley Cup Finals. But just as he neared this elusive goal, tragedy struck.

I can't believe they didn't go with a Kane/cane pun

Kane’s knee was mangled beyond repair. Laraque was kicked out of the league.

[Later that night in the hospital, Laraque pays Kane a visit]

Kane: We’ve been close for so long, how could you do this to me?

Laraque: Patty, I’m so sorry Patty. He forced me to hurt you. I didn’t want to. He’s been saying the most terrible—

Kane: Who?

[Another man enters the room]

Kane: One of the Jonas Brothers?

Laraque: What? No. Evgeni Malkin.

Malkin: I made Georges hurt you Mr. Kane. He didn’t want to at first, but he did it.

Kane: I won’t wait to heal to do something about you. I’ll break your neck right now.

Malkin: Maybe you can, maybe you can’t. But I fear you’ll never get what you truly want.

Kane: Don’t worry about me Malkin. Don’t worry about me I’M PATRICK FOSTER KANE.

[Malkin leaves]

Laraque: Oh Patty, what are we going to do? I’ve been kicked out of the league. My whole life I’ll I’ve done is skate and fight. No one even thinks of me as a real hockey player. I’m ever so helpless.

[Laraque starts to cry]

Kane: There, there, Georgie. Just because you can’t play hockey doesn’t mean we can’t show people how graceful and feminine you are.

Laraque: But how?

Kane: Figure skating.

Laraque: I-I don’t know Patty. I’m scared.

Kane: How would you feel if I gave you this bear hat?

Kane used his vast wealth to accumulate the very best equipment and find the best coaches and partner. Laraque and a supremely talented, yet spoiled female skater worked for years to develop a routine worthy of qualifying for the Olympic Games. When that didn’t work Kane bribed his way in.

Little Known Fact: Orson Welles favorite movie was The Cutting Edge

For the Games Kane built an enormous skating complex and ensured that Laraque and his partner would be the opening act. To Kane’s frustration they were not well received by the crowd.

Patrick has not aged well.

Unsatisfied with the performance at the Games Kane forces Laraque to continue figure skating, but the only thing Georges wants is to do jigsaw puzzles.

Kane: Whatever I do I do because I love you

Laraque: You don’t love me. you want me to love you. Sure I’m Patrick Foster Kane whatever you want just name it and it’s yours, but you’ve gotta love me.

[Kane slaps Laraque]

Laraque: Don’t tell me you’re sorry.

Kane: I’m not sorry.

[Laraque beats the shit out of Kane]

[Laraque leaves]

No one ever found out what his last word meant. Maybe Rosebud was something he couldn’t get, or something he lost. Anyway, it wouldn’t have explained anything… I don’t think any word can explain a man’s life. No, I guess Rosebud is just a piece in a jigsaw puzzle, a missing piece.