Saberhagendaaz
Shakεy
Business_Socks
ClintonPortisheadFiled under: Saberhagendaaz | Tags: Circuit City, Circus Train, David Souter, Dr. Dre, Eminem, Gulptability, Handel on the Law, mailbag, Midgets, President Obama, Proctology, Property Law, Richard Posner, Sonia Sotomayor, Thurgood Marshall, Wanda from Yonkers
Ron Artest, friend of Style Points, recently visited headquarters to answer a mailbag. Much to our surprise, he wanted to answer legal questions, not unlike his favorite AM radio program, Handel on the Law. It turns out Ron has been reading up on the law in anticipation of a post-basketball occupation now that his connections at Circuit City aren’t worth much. So, while noting that Ron is not an actual attorney and is in no way authorized to give legal advice, we now turn it over to him to answer your legal questions.
Ron,
The government is trying to take my house through something called Eminem Domain. What does a white rapper have to do with bulldozing my house to make way for a highway? Is Dr. Dre a lawyer? Please advise.
Damn, I don’t like where this going because I hate to talk shit on Eminem – the last time I tangled with D-Town white trash, I ended up getting suspended for a year. Nevertheless, from what I hear, the law of Eminem Domain only applies if property is to be used for the production of terrible rap songs featuring scathing lyrics and two-year-old pop-culture references, or possibly murdering your ex. And Dre ain’t no lawyer, he’s actually a proctologist, which I think has something to do with feet.
TurboPaige @Real_Ron_Artest: Can I hire a band of midgets to go off my ex-husband and not get caught? (via Twitter).
See, this is a great question ‘cuz there are several different interpretations of midget law in the United States. Under one philosophy, midgets should be treated as personal property and thus, all disputes would be handled under property law. In states like this, the midgets that off your husband would be treated the same as a property defect. At most you would only face civil liability, depending on the likelihood of harm caused by your midgets and whether or not your husband ignored an anticipated risk. However, some states rely strictly on animal cruelty statutes. In states like this, your midgets may get put down, and you could face predetermined fines depending on your level of gulptability.
What happens to me if I refuse to snitch on my friend who shot his girlfriend in the leg. The detective’s all up in my shit about it.
Thanks, Taco Terry Sanchez.
Your question poses a bigger question. Namely, “did the bitch deserve it?” If she deserved it, then you explain to the detective the exact circumstances, including as many details about the provocation and crime as possible. He’s sure to see it your buddy’s way, essay. Now, if the bitch didn’t deserve it, then here’s what you do: LAWYER UP. Once you lawyer up they’ll no longer have reason to ask you about your buddy, and will instead focus on what you are hiding about your own criminal activities. But they won’t be able to learn anything, because you’ve already lawyered up. (Note: my advice re: “bitch deserved it” only applies if the detective is a dude.).
Chrislowery @Real_Ron_Artest I keep gettin stopped by tha Cops because of my tents on my car, what tha hell is tha darkest percentage u can get?? (via twitter)
I’m a little confused here. I love the circus as much as anybody, especially seeing the train roll into town with the tents all rolled up on the long flat-beds. But I ain’t never heard of anyone getting busted for tents on their ride. My advice would be to check your local traffic-safety regulations, and especially the visibility codes. You might want to make sure that the front flap is zippered all the way up so that you can see out of the entire windshield, and depending on the tent, use the ventilation flaps for your side mirrors.
Dear Ron,
Now that Justice David Souter is retiring from the Supreme Court, who do you think should replace him?
Great question. On one hand, I would really like to see Obama nominate federal appeals court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, not only because she is a liberal but because she would be the nation’s first Hispanic justice. On the other hand, I have always been a law-and-economics fan, so I would love to see Seventh Circuit Justice Richard Posner, even though that will never happen for political reasons. So, instead, I’m going to have to go with my girl Wanda from Yonkers. She just finished up her night class term at NYSL and she’s an absolute dynamo in and out of the sack. Plus, her Gasol-esque hair would be the be the most unique thing to hit the Supreme Court since Thurgood Marshall’s undescended testicle.
9 Comments so far
Leave a comment
you are a fool!
Comment by terri May 19, 2009 @ 2:41 pmHahahah… I would probably not recommend a career in law just yet but I think you would be a great union worker…little steps first…LOL Funny though!
Comment by Charita May 19, 2009 @ 2:44 pmRon you are awesome!! im seriously thinking about hiring you as my future attorney!
Comment by Josh May 19, 2009 @ 2:48 pmI can not thank you enough for the legal advice regarding the midgets. My ex husband is a douche bag and now I know that sending the midgets his way may cost me a little out of pocket money, but I’ll never see the walls of a cell. And even if I did, I’d pull some Shawshank on their ass and crawl to freedom through a tunnel I dug out that was covered by a poster of you!
Comment by Paige May 19, 2009 @ 5:57 pmits impossible not to laugh when someone brings midgets into the conversation…just started checking this out and looking forward to more!
Comment by autoprt May 20, 2009 @ 1:12 amI wish this had been posted before my 1L finals. I find this information both useful and informative. You are a gentleman and a scholar.
Comment by JohnnyDakotaStateU May 20, 2009 @ 8:05 amíàéòè ëþáîâíèöó â ìèíñêå,
Comment by name April 20, 2010 @ 9:22 amãäå ðåàëüíî ïîçíàêîìèòüñÿ äëÿ ñåêñà,
Comment by name April 20, 2010 @ 11:02 amîäíîêëàññíèêè äåâóøêè äëÿ ñåêñà,
Comment by name April 20, 2010 @ 2:21 pm