Style Points

Weekly Power Poll: New Jobs For Van Gundy by Business_Socks

We here at Style Points perform many duties.  At different points in our career we’ve been called a clubhouse cancer, clubhouse lawyer (redundant), class clown, hall monitor, first base coach and occasionally, head hunter.  So today we put on our career counselor cap (it’s bedazzled) and try to fit soon- to-be-unemployed Stan Van Gundy with a new career.

10. Donut Maker – We hate to typecast someone but he looks the part.  He also looks the part of a cretinous porn star but, you knew that already.

9. Italian Chef – Yes, there’s a chance he’ll panic and eat up all the profits but since when can you discriminate against someone because of gluttony?  Which brings to mind, do tubby people have special interest groups and legal funds to protect their fat little feelings?

8. Animated Plumber – He probably doesn’t have the vertical leap to jump over those pesky turtles but I’m sure he’s capable of shooting some fiery gas and I guarantee you he’d never miss a warp zone because fat people (and one-legged guys) always know the fastest way to get somewhere.

7. Director of Homeland Security – Sir Charles thinks Stan’s turrible and panics easily.  I’ve always wanted to see what color comes after Red on the Threat Level Advisory Scale.  Purple?

6. Model for Big and Tall – Well, technically, just Big. But  you cannot claim that anyone looks better in a skintight rayon t-shirt and blazer than Stan the Man.

5. Crossing Guard – Only Stan could cause a four car pile-up on a one way side street.  I imagine him wetting his pants when a pedestrian AND a kid on rollerblades occupy the same crosswalk.

4. Talk Show Sidekick – You can go ahead and list “Are You There Vodka?  It’s Me,  Dwight Howard” on Amazon.

3. Funeral Director – His first customer could be Career, His.  Also, I’d love to see him step in to manage the Undertaker just to witness him mishandle another talented big man.

2. Life Coach – He has a reputation for screwing it up at the end which is perfect for life coaching.  If he mismanages you it will only be in the last 5 minutes of your life.  I imagine him telling you to cut off your ventilator to smoke a cigarette or force feeding you a cheeseburger right after heart surgery.

1. Dom Deluise – Most people (including Burt Reynolds) wouldn’t realize he took over for the late, great Deluise and we could finally get  Cannonball Run 3 made, which we’ve all been dying for.  Right?

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